Hearsay Evidence Amalgamation
by hazelra7
Summary: The gang is witnessing incredible changes in Shamy that can only lead them all to the following conclusion: Sheldon and Amy are secretly intimate. Each one of their friends witness a different side of Shamy and the evidence is damning. Could it be that Shamy is doing the deed after all? Or is it just Hearsay Evidence?
1. Chapter 1

**This is series of one shots. Various characters from the show will be witnessing some changes in Shamy since the Prom. This idea was the brain child of my friend Famousinthefuture. I am hoping she will be able to add to the story as it progresses. Just fun Shamy Fluff.**

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><p><strong>Leslie V. Shamy: First Hearsay Test<strong>

Leslie Winkle was pissed. Not just upset, or agitated, but right proper mad on red blazing angry. She finally had a chance to get on the Cray super computer to run her computational analysis of the large amount of data in high-energy proton-proton collisions collected by the Compact Muon Solenoidal. Leslie Winkle had be on an extended trip to CERN and she had just returned to Cal- Tech. Her absence was not missed by her male colleagues, as much as she secretly hoped for a welcome home coming. She had been waiting for 6 months for the data from CERN, and it had finally arrived. However, Dr. Sheldon _Dumbass_ Cooper had hijacked the computer and had been running the same analysis on neutrinos for 3 days. He refused to give up the computer and she had had enough!

Her foul mood was facilitated by the unfortunate fact that she was flat out horny. She hadn't had a date in over 3 months. The mating choices at Cal-Tech were running dry. She'd already had Leonard Hofstadter. He wasn't bad; great at foreplay but now he was off the market. Kripke was a one hit wonder. Even Howard Wolowitz was unavailable. Raj looked like fun now that he could talk to girls, but he was with some red head chick. The only one left was Sheldon Cooper and there was no way that guy would be able to perform the necessary functions she needed in bed. Besides, just the thought of him made Leslie's blood boil.

Since his return from his freak out Sheldon had been even worse to be around. He was smiling for no reason, confident and even able to get in a few snappy comebacks against her. Something was different about him and Leslie didn't like it. He was even more of an ass than before, if that was at all possible.

It was time to grab that skinny misogynistic little know-it all bastard by the throat and squeeze the life at of him. Unfortunately it looked like someone had beaten her to it.

Leslie waltzed into Dr. Cooper's office yelling "Hey Dumbass!" and was immediately taken back. He had his back to the door and was seated on his desk. There were a pair of hands around his neck.

There were two possibilities: One: Someone was doing the world a favor and he was getting strangled. Poor timing that he was getting murdered and Leslie interrupted before the deed was done. Or two: He was kissing someone. The latter was completely unlikely Leslie thought. " _I mean come on, who would want to kiss Sheldon? He's an arrogant self-absorbed jerk. So what if he is like 6'1 and has blue eyes like gas flames burning into your soul. He's still an ass. "_

She couldn't see who was there at first, but she hoped it was someone doing him in once and for all. He jumped up off the desk like a jack in the box and turned around attempting to hide whoever was behind him. _Dumbass_.

"Leslie Winkle! In what Universe do think find it appropriate to barge into someone's office without so much as a knock!" His voice was high, screechy. His eyes were darting around like he'd just been caught in the cookie jar before dinner.

"In the universe where your work is useless and you need to get off your dead ass and get off the CRAY! And who are you hiding back there? Some grad student here to kill you and do humanity a service. Let me buy them a beer!" Leslie crossed her arms and tapped her foot, waiting for the mystery person to show their face so she could kiss them for trying to kill Sheldon.

Instead a woman waltzed from behind Sheldon. Leslie had never seen her before. She had on a blouse and a purple sweater. Her straight brown hair was plain and uninspiring. She looked like a school matron but younger. Her eyes were fixed on Leslie like laser targets waiting to strike. The woman's voice boomed with authority, "Grad student? Try Dr.! I am _Dr_ Amy Farrah Fowler. And I don't drink beer."

"Oh thank god, you finally got a shrink. Tell me Dr.., are you prescribing enough lithium for this whack job?" Leslie smirked at her own joke. She was the only one. Sheldon was unimpressed and drew in a sharp breath Like he always did before he tried some lame comeback. The strange woman held her hand out slightly toward him hinting for him to back off.

"I am not a shrink, I am neurobiologist, working at this University. You should be well aware that not all Doctors are medical ones, or is that not taught in your field?" Amy crossed her arms and glared at the little woman standing across from her.

"Hey! I'm in the same field as him!" Pointing to Sheldon waiting for him to defend her since this sweater clad woman had made an obvious slam to their mutual field. No such luck. Sheldon crossed his arms and smirked. It was like he had just released his prize bird at a cock fight.

"_As he_." Amy said correctively, "You are in the same field _as he_. It is the subjective form or normative case of personal pronouns which must be used in comparison. I take it you didn't go to a highly ranked school or you didn't pay attention to basic grammar rules."

"I'm sorry, who the hell are you again?" Leslie was taken back. Usually she wasn't attacked so quickly, especially by someone other than Sheldon Cooper.

Amy let out a deep sigh, "And I take it listening skills weren't on the course schedule either. As I stated, I am Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler, Neurobiologist. Oh, and I am also Dr. Sheldon Cooper's girlfriend." Amy smiled at the last part.

Leslie pulled her head back in disbelief, "Hold the phone, you mean this misogynistic arrogant bastard actually has a girlfriend?" Leslie started laughing, "He's not paying you is he? Because no woman in their right mind would be willing go out that jerk unless they were a hooker or had some serious self-confidence issues." Leslie tilted her head and glared back at Amy.

Amy turned her neck quickly and cracked her neck. _Oh, it's on like Donkey Kong, bitch._

"First all, to classify Dr. Sheldon Cooper arrogant, as a derogatory term, is only valid if it is NOT justified. Arrogance is a belief that you are better, smarter, or more important than other people. He is. End of story."

Leslie interrupted, "That guy is no better than any other person here. His theories are un-testable, his work is second rate at best, _and_ I had to correct his math!"

"His theories are un-testable because he is a _theoretical_ physicist. Just because you experimental physicist types haven't been able to keep up with his brilliant mind is no fault of his. Next, his work is not second rate, because there is no one above him. Lastly, you having to do one correction of his math doesn't distract from his brilliance. He wrote the formulas, you just changed the sign. That's like taking credit for building the house when all you did was straighten out the picture on the wall. An example of your glaring need for admonishment with someone else's work. But, I digress; let's get back to the part where you call me a whore shall we?" Amy walked closer to Leslie glowering at her as she continued her assault.

Leslie looked unimpressed. _Come at me bitch, see what happens._

"Sheldon Cooper does have a girlfriend, and has had one for quite a while. The fact that you are unaware of it means one of two things: One, you are so unaware of your surroundings that you have not noticed that I have not only been seen with Sheldon on numerous occasions, but that I also work at this University and have done so for a year. Therefore this leads me to second conclusion; you are so insignificant in both academic and social standing that your opinion and your acknowledgment of pair bonded individuals is not sought or required." Amy walked closer to Leslie placing her hands behind her back in lecturer style.

"Additionally, your jab that I am in some way a prostitute is an obvious manifestation of your jealousy over Sheldon's interest in a woman other than yourself. Given your short stature, your lack of intelligence and crass behavior, this shouldn't be a shock. However, given your education level, it might need restating."

"WOOH hold up! You think I want to date that arrogant prick? I can't stand him! He's rude, full of himself, hates women…"

"Ah, wrong again. Sheldon doesn't hate women, he is not as you called him a misogynist. Quite the contrary. A fact that I can attest to personally." Amy turned back and winked at Sheldon who smirked and blushed. "He has demanding qualifications for the woman with whom he chooses to pair bond. You just haven't made the cut. Therefore your envy has manifested itself in banal name calling and trite false assumptions, and covers up a latent prurient interest in him. Given that you have had coitus with almost the entire social group of the Cal-tech physics department, Howard and Leonard being glaring examples.."

Leslie stepped back and raised her voice, "How in the hell do you know who I slept with?"

"With WHOM I've slept…Ending with sentence with a preposition, tsk tsk." Sheldon piped in finally. His grin was beaming at the exchange between the two women. He wished he had pop corn.

Amy continued, "I know because I pay attention, a skill you could use. _Desperately_. Anyway, given you have slept your way through the entire social group and still insist on name calling and walking in unannounced to his office shows you wish for a more familiar relationship with him. Good luck sister. He is exacting in his choice in women. The fact that he is with me gives me self-confidence rather than the opposite. So again, your slam against me is unjustified. "

Leslie wanted to say something, anything. She was just about to when Amy cut her off with the swipe of her hand and rapid fire retort.

"Lastly, the mis-categorization of "in your right mind" is yet another example of your glaring lack of quality education. Brain function lateralization used as broad generalizations are often made in popular psychology and show a complete misunderstanding of the brain. Not surprising again, given your field. However, in a study published in Nature, Dr. Toga, explains that experimental evidence provides little support for correlating the structural differences between the sides with such broadly-defined functional differences. Given your blank expression I will sum up and save us both a lot of time: **You're the dumbass."**

Leslie was gob smacked. She knew she was intelligent and on any other day she would have had some witty retort and a snappy comeback. But today, looking at the determined and ferocious Amy Farrah Fowler, she couldn't think. This is what Sheldon must have felt like all those times Leslie had slammed him. She couldn't even think of that.

All she could say was, "Well screw you and your dumbass boyfriend! I hope you're very happy together!" Leslie walked back to the door. As she turned to slam the door in one last ditch effort to make a point, she saw the strangest sight: Sheldon Cooper grabbing the woman by the hand and pulling her to him. Leslie didn't stick around long enough to see what happened next. However, she heard as she was storming off down the hall, the word Vixen and giggling.

All Leslie could think was: _God, even Sheldon is getting laid…._


	2. Chapter 2

_** Emily v. Shamy: Second Hearsay Argument**_

Emily knocked on Raj's door, a little late for their dinner and the worse for wear. Her slack jawed expression and slumped shoulders said more than words: She was spent. It had been a hell of day and her last client had taken the stuffing out of her. Her hands were still raw from the surgery-worth scrubbing she had to give them before handling her last customer.

"Good evening my auburn queen. Please come in, dinner is almost ready." Raj met his girlfriend with his typical sweet smile and alluring exotic eyes. He was a welcome sight for her weary eyes. The glass of white wine he was holding made him all the more appealing after Emily's terrible day. She grabbed the wine, swallowed it all with one glup and handed the empty glass to Raj to re-fill. She poured herself onto his couch and laid her head on the back. Raj handed her a new glass.

"Thank you Raj. I am looking forward to your dinner and lack of complaining. Jesus, what a day!"

"Take off those heels and have another glass of wine. Tell your cappuccino colored lover all about it." Raj handed her the glass of wine which she quickly gulped again. "Boy, it must have been a bad day."

"Oh, it was. I had your crazy friend pay me a visit today."

"Oh God, Howard? Did he have gastro-intestinal distress again? That Glogzilla knick name is really going stick…"

"No, not him thank god. I couldn't live through that again. I'm sorry but it takes everything I have not to make gurgle sounds when I see him. " Emily had a look of disgust on her face. Raj still found it adorable that what she found disgusting was drastically different from what Raj found disgusting. When she was grossed out, it had to be bad. Very bad.

"Gurgle away my princess. Come tell me your tale as I stir the sauce. The brie wrapped smoked pears are on the table. Coq au vin will be ready toot sweet, _my_ sweet."

"You're the best. It's like Martha Stewart had a sexy love child with a Bollywood prince."

"Who says she didn't! Tell me, who visited you?"

"That lanky crazy guy… What's his first name, we met at the movies. Dr. Cooper."

Raj dropped his spoon, "OH god, Sheldon?!"

"Yes, Sheldon. But he insisted I call him Dr. Cooper. Said one of us had to be a real Doctor. I told him I _was_ a real doctor, and he said he had two doctorates, so neener neener or some such witty retort."

Raj grabbed her hands and kissed them, "What was Sheldon doing there? Did he want to talk to you or something?" Raj was worried Sheldon would tell Emily how much he had been crooning over her. Sheldon was getting tired of hearing Raj's love poetry, his Emily mix tape, or the tumblr dedication page he had made for her. Sheldon couldn't possibly comprehend Raj's love for her.

"No, he was there as a client. But he didn't have an appointment. He just rushed in with a dermal emergency."

"Dermal emergency?"

"Oh yes, he gave my receptionist quite a hassle. He was just about to get kicked out by my nurse when I heard the commotion. That's why I was late. I told him I would see him after my last client. I didn't want a scene. Also he threatened to speak to AMA about my qualifications as a dermatologist seeing as I have tattoos." Emily stood up while cocking her head at her cooking companion, "its funny Raj how he knew where all my Tattoos were on my body."

Raj looked around for some excuse that would explain his boasting to his friends that he knew _exactly_ where Emily's tattoos were and had explored every area therein, "THAT CAD! I hope he has not been sneaking peeks at your perfect form. I will slice him in two with my death sword of justice as I fling his entrails to the four corners of the earth…"

"No, Raj, I doubt Dr. Cooper,.. I mean Sheldon has seen where I have all my tattoos. Only one person in your social group has… And I am looking at the braggart now!"

Raj's color deepened as his thick sauce began bubbling in the pot, "Yes, well, I can't help that Sheldon is a terrible eavesdropper on our lurid conversations my red headed goddess… ummm.. More wine my dear?"

"Yes please, my swaggarty little loud mouth. Thanks."

"So, what was this dermal emergency? Was it those mole on his buttock? I think that was an excuse for him to finally get his pants down."

"Oh, no not that. But let me tell, he's getting his pants down. Let me tell the story... So, finally I see him. He has been sweating bullets for 15 minutes. The man has no patience."

"That's for sure. Sometimes he says the second hand was invented to mock him. Anyway, go on…"

"He made me wash my hands like a surgeon for 5 minutes in front of him before he would let me touch him! I think I only have one layer of dermas left!"

"I'm surprised he let you touch him at all; he's a hodge-podge of socially awkward idiosyncrasies. A Masala of quirks, so to speak." Raj was busily stirring his sauce and didn't notice Emily's signature _"Pot calling the Kettle black_" stare.

"I think I've meet a few other socially awkward ones lately, but never mind. Anyway, he is all nervous, wringing his hands and taking pictures of his neck with his phone. "

"His neck?"

"OH yes. He had a large violet hematoma on his neck. But I had to check his whole back and arms for other marks, just to make sure. He was convinced he was dying. He had WebMD up and was showing me all the potential diagnosis he had self-assessed."

"He is a paranoid hypochondriac and persistent. Basically the only thing medically wrong with Sheldon Cooper is that he is a pain the ass." Raj removed the sauce and went to the couch to hear the rest of the tale.

"For sure. Anyway, he has some moles, but nothing to worry about. He was freaking out over a subcutaneous ecchymosis."

"Oh god! What's that? Is he really sick?"

Emily started laughing, "That is what I told him he had, and he freaked out. Jumped up saying that the "diagnosis must be made accurately in order to assess any future malignant potential" and do I need do a biopsy? Do I need to get a second opinion? Should he call his mother? He said it was good thing he already bought his urn! Can he be knocked out for the procedure… Etc etc. Poor thing. I let him stew far too long…"

"What is it?"

"A hickey! A love bite! Your Sheldon Cooper has been getting frisky and his neck showed the battle scars of his latest make out session."

"LASTEST?"

"OH yes. I saw evidence of other hickeys, but he couldn't see those thank god! No wonder he didn't freak out earlier. Also, I saw some scratch marks that could only come one source. That boy is freaky, ay?"

"Freaky?! Sheldon only kissed Amy once and according to her it was for 12 seconds. Sheldon doesn't do freaky. Well, he does, but not with women."

"So he's gay."

"NO! I mean he is nothing… He doesn't believe in touching people let alone kissing and hickeys! I can't believe it! Are you sure?"

"That is what he said to me. Are you two guys questioning my medical degree, my schooling at Harvard, and my experience just to cover up the fact that your little playmate has finally grown up and found he likes girls?!"

"No! I don't question anything about your qualifications. It's just I can't imagine Sheldon kissing anyone!"

"Oh, he was doing more than kissing. When I finally told him what it was, he turned a brilliant shade of red. Never seen a person get Idiopathic craniofacial erythema who didn't have rosacea."

"Uh?"

"He blushed bad, dude!"

"I bet!" Raj leaned back on the counter, "I just can't believe it! Sheldon's getting it on! Wow!"

"Yeah, he jumped out of the chair, thanked me for my time, and rushed out like a bat outta hell. I heard him calling someone on the way out. Saying, "We need to talk about your activities last night", and some such thing. And then he was gone."

"Gone to get laid! That hypocrite!"

"Well, I don't know about that. Why is he a hypocrite?"

"He has done nothing but give all of us grief for years that we are lower life forms for wanting physical affection and the intoxicating touch of pale skinned goddesses, like you!" Raj brushed Emily hair off her face and smiled at her with grin that lit up his face.

"Charmer, go on!"

"He said he was above his baser urges and he only lived in the world of pure intellect. We were, how did he put it, "Mindless hormone driven apes." Yes, that was it."

"Well, he is the hormone driven ape now, let me tell you. Well, I think he is…All I know is he was into some pretty heavy kissing and nibbles. I would love to see the other person."

"Oh, you have. Amy!"

"Amy!? Of course, it has to be! I forget those two are an item."

"We **all** do, especially Sheldon. He treats her like dirt. It sickens me sometimes." Raj hated how Sheldon treated Amy. Amy deserved better than to hang around Sheldon hoping for any crumb of affection he would throw to her.

"Yeah, he is a jerk. You know, she was wearing some different clothes the last time I saw her. A turtle neck with a blouse. She almost looked like Howard, but god don't tell her that. Anyway, lots of layers for this weather."

"Well she always dresses like she is going to Nun convention. But i kind of like she has her own style. I can relate."

"Yep. Boy that girl will never get skin cancer the way she covers everything up!" Emily swelled with dermatological pride and glee for her new friend's budding sex life. " Good for her! She will finally get some! Or… He is cheating on her."

"I doubt it. He is crazy about her. He doesn't know it, but that boy has it bad. I know the face of a man in love."

"You do?" Emily sat up and looked interested.

"Yes, I have a picture of one, want to come see?" Raj rose from the couch and held out his hand for Emily.

"Sure this I have to see!" Raj took Emily to the mirror in his living room. He stood behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist.

Pointing at the mirror to himself, "See, there is one right now." And he kissed her softly on the cheek.


	3. Chapter 3

_**Zack V. Shamy, Third Hearsay Argument**_

After a harrowing escape from Mrs. Wolowitz, Stuart was able to finally meet his friend at their favorite watering hole. It was dark bar with dimly lit stage in the back surrounded by a few tables. The regulars all had staked their claims on the few tables near the speakers. Stuart found Zack flipping through a song selection book and sipping on a light beer. It had been almost a month since Zack and Stuart had been able to meet up for another Karaoke night. The pair seemed the most unlikely of pals, but they have found a mutual love of all things Journey and they loved belting out the tunes to their adoring fans of bar flies and regulars. Also, Stuart loved to live vicariously through Zack's sexual exploits. Stuart's date for Prom did not go as well as he had hoped and his sex life was non-existent with Mrs. Wolowitz's ever watchful eye. While they are waiting for their duet song, "Don't Stop Believing," Zack said something interesting to Stuart that peaked his interest.

Zack leaned over and yelled at Stuart between the verses of "American Pie" by Don Mclean. Some tall mammoth of a guy named Bert was killing it. Stuart made a joke that the day the music died was when this monotone Bert guy decided to sing that song. Bert made some Geology joke, but Stuart was currently too busy listening to Zack to notice,"So dude, I ran into your ex last week with her new boyfriend."

"Who? The chick from the comic convention? I can't believe she left me for a guy in an Inyusha outfit. I mean come on! Guy's got ears, and tail, but so what!"

"No, dude. That cute brown haired girl. You know. What's her name… Annie… No… Amy?"

"Oh, Amy!"

"That's right! She was with that Sherman guy."

"Sheldon. Yeah, she's been with Sheldon for years now. They have the same relationship they had when they were friends. It's weird. He asked her to his girlfriend while we were on a date. He said nothing was going to change, what so ever, and she still said okay. Now that's rejection. Spent a lot of time on my therapist's couch for that little date, let me tell you! I mean come on, who does that? However, I don't think they even kiss yet!"

Zack laughed and guzzled down half his beer in one shot, "Oh dude, I think she's doing more than that, bro."

"What do you mean? Did you see them?" Stuart couldn't fathom Amy and Sheldon kissing, let alone anything more that Zack was implying. She made it clear when she dated him that all forms of physical contact were off the table. She did hug him good-bye though, but Stuart knew that was pity hug. Too bad he couldn't get pity sex in the deal, he thought. Stuart ordered two more beers and eagerly leaned in to Zack get all the details.

"Let me tell you my story. Oh, and it's got hot chick and lingerie, so you will like it."

"I like it already, what happened?"

"So I met this hot babe at the juice bar the other day when I was dropping off menus. Man, what a body! One of those hot, yoga bodies with those tight see through pants they sold a while back. I have to thank LULU lemon for those. Oh man, I mean you can see everything! Sometime they don't even wear underwear, ya know. HOT! Anyway. She's smokin', so, you know, I turned on the charm. I tell her I have my own business… I workout…" Zack stretched his arms out, but Stuart just rolled his eyes.

Stuart stopped Zack with this hand, "Wait, you work for your dad who owns a menu printing business, and you only workout to pick up on chicks at the gym. In fact, didn't you go to gay gym for years before you realized…."

"Yeah, yeah, I know what I did! AND anyway, Yoga chick doesn't know that. Besides, I have a naturally fit body, bro. Don't be a hater."

"Okay, sorry , go on…"

"Soo, Hot chick… And, oh yeah, she's digging me. She agrees to meet me for drinks after work, ya know she wants the D. So, cool. Some organic wine bar, or some hipster thing. I know she's down, but I got to sweeten the deal, ya now. Then, I have this great idea: I'll use the menus I printed with various sexual positions we can try. She can order me ala carte, or go for the 3 courses of Zack loving."

"You have menus of sex positions?" Stuart tilted his head in confusion. He couldn't believe that would work, but Zack had knack with the ladies that was hard to argue with.

"Oh yeah, it's the first thing I tried out on my dad's printer! Chick's dig it."

"WOW… okay." Stuart couldn't imagine that working on a woman, but he thought, what does he know. "So what happened?"

"This chick's sophisticated, ya know. I need to bring something to the table besides the menus and this side of beef." Zack rubbed his hand down his chest and raised his brows suggestively. The girls next to the table noticed him licking his lips and quickly walked away. Zack continued his story with less visual aids, "Anyway, I decide to go to the lingerie store to get sweet Yoga lady a little some some, ya know? I know the shop gal, Florence, I think... Did her once. Maybe twice. Anyway. She's down and gives me a discount."

"Wait, you slept with a girl who works in a lingerie store?"

"Yeah, she was freaky. Funny thing is though..." Zack leaned in a whispered to Stuart, "She only wears granny panties Anyway, she didn't have them on for long."

Stuart rolled his eyes and grabbed his beer, "Where's Amy in all this?"

"Who's Amy?"

"My ex! You said you ran into her…"

"Oh right, dude, sorry. Okay…So there I am looking over the teddies and such and in walks in Annie…."

"Amy"

"Right, Amy and that tall professor dude."

"Sheldon"

"Right, Shelly. So they are looking at garter belts and such. I can hear them talking about which one is better, easier to get off and all that. I am an expert, so I go over."

Stuart started to almost giggle. "I would have loved to see the look on Sheldon's face to be caught in a lingerie store. Did they remember you?"

"Oh yeah. For some reason, I don't think Shelly likes me very much."

"He doesn't like anyone, so don't feel special. But, why do you say that?"

"As soon as he saw me, he moved in front of Annie and turned beet red, like he was gonna hit me or something." Zack remembered something, "Oh Shit! That was gluteus maximus girl!"

"Gluteus maximus girl, what?"

"Dude, I just remembered! Oh man, that was like 4 years ago. That Shelly dude asked me to meet his friend to have coitus with her. I didn't know what coitus was, but hey, a chick is a chick, ya know! I tell them to meet me at the hipster bar. She shows up and says she wants to grab my gluteus maximus." Zack shook his head, "I can't believe I forgot that! Anyway, I was almost drunk by then anyway. She says never mind and leaves with him. He flashes me a V sign."

"V sign?"

"Yeah, like this..." Zack put his four fingers together and then tried to separate them. Stuart knew right away what he was doing.

"That the Vulcan sign." Stuart shook his head, "I can't believe he would ask you to have sexwith Amy... I wonder why? Oh damn Zack. He was jealous, for sure. He can get really weird about her. Sheldon is totally jealous of anyone who even talks to Amy."

"Who's Amy?"

Stuart shook his head again and took a much needed drink off his beer, "The girl we are talking about…The one with brown hair… His girlfriend!"

"Oh, yeah right… Cool. Anyway, yeah, he was freaking. All she said to me was Hoo, just like that night in the bar!"

"Who said who?"

"She did."

"Did what?"

"Say Hoo."

Stuart put his head in his hands, "Who are you talking about? Shelly, I mean Sheldon?"

"No, she said, 'Hoo'."

"Like she didn't know you?"

"No man, like an owl… HOO!"

"Oh, that's ... weird."

"I know right. Anyway, I'm like '_hey science dude, anymore blowing up the moon_?'"

"Blowing up the moon?!"

"Long story. That Shelly dude, said, _no_.. And then he said something about Neanderthals and community college and he weeps for humanity. I don't get it. Anyway. I asked "what are you guys doing?" And she says shopping for lingerie. "

Stuart sat back in his chair and took a large swig off his beer, "Wow! I didn't think they did that kind of thing."

"Shopping?"

"No, sex. They aren't exactly a conventional couple."

"Well, we didn't talk politics. Besides, I think they are liberal based on the looks he was giving her, if you what I mean!"

"No, it's conventional, not conservative…Ya know, never mind. Get back to the story." Stuart shook his head. His head was getting a workout tonight.

"Okay, well I know when a man wants to get with girl and he was eyeing her like a Sunday roast."

"I can't even imagine."

Zack sat back, "I don't know, she kinda cute. I'd do her. I mean I'd love to see what under the hood, ya know. Besides, that Shelly, he was doing all the imagining. I gave him my sage advice on all things lingerie, you know, garters are great as long as the chick doesn't wear panties, then it a pain. He was all ears, man..."

"Why are they a pain?"

Now Zack rolled his eyes, "Think about it dude, common physics. You can't get off the panties without going over the straps of the garter belt. God, and people call me stupid."

Stuart nodded his head in acknowledgement, "Oh right. You have to undo the belts… Got it. Can't you just take off the belt instead?"

Zack let out a chuckle, "Funny, that's what Sherman asked."

"Sheldon."

"Right! So I told him it was hard to take off a garter belt. It's got a clasp like a bra, ya know. But I have a special technique."

Stuart was more than interested now. He leaned in to soak up all the advice he could, "What technique?"

"That's what **he** asked!" Zack held up his hand and put two fingers together with his thumb, " So you get your fingers like this you know, two fingers and your thumb. Then you snap them together, and wa la! Undone. " Zack let a loud snap echo through the bar. Bert, who was still singing American Pie gave the pair a dirty look.

"Woah, wait a minute...Sheldon asked you to show him that?"

"Oh, he did more than that! I asked the shop girl, you know, the one I banged... I asked her to come over so I could show him. He watched me undo her bra, in like 5 seconds, ya know. My new record." Zack smugly smiled and took another drink off the bottle.

"Awesome!" Stuart held up his hand to high five Zack, but Zack just shook his head.

"Well, not so awesome, he is quick study. He turned that Annie chick…"

"Amy."

"Right.. Her… That Shelly guy put his hands on her shoulders and then turned her around and unsnapped her bra in 3 seconds. Dude, he did it under like 50 layers of clothes, bro! He's a bra snapping god!"

Stuart nearly spit his beer across the table, "Sheldon? Sheldon Cooper?"

"Yeah, man Shelly! He was very happy, till he saw her face. She was not happy, dude. Not at all. "

"Oh my god, I bet she was pissed!"

"Dude, that chick is scary! Shelly went ghost white! She laid into him while trying to re snap her bra. She keeps them strapped up pretty tight in there, but man, she's stacked. You could tell when he lets the girls loose, ya know. Her back was all arched, and he was like swallowing hard, looking at her…"

"Really, no I don't know, she always hides her figure."

"Bro, don't let that wall flower act fool you. That girl is a savage. It's the shy ones that are the most freaky. This one time, I was at library and man…."

"Wait, go back. What did Sheldon do?"

"Oh man, he could barely get a word out. I think he swallowed his whole throat!" Zack started laughing, "Oh dude, that chick tore into him, something about being a massaging bastard."

Stuart looked completely confused until he realized what Zack was saying, "Misogynistic bastard?"

"Yep! That's it. He said something to her about needing the practice. She said they would talk about it later. He said something about oral discord and she blushed and went to pick out something. Then he slapped her on the ASS dude!"

"NO WAY!"

"WAY! All I heard was oral, and I gave him the elbow, and wink, ya know." Zack nudged Stuart with his elbow and raised his brows while he finished his beer.

"Yeah, but I seriously doubt..."

"Oh dude, there is no doubt. Those two are rabbits. She came back with a ton of stuff. He bought it all for her, saying sorry for his ungentlemanly ways or cotillion or something."

"Cotillion? I have no idea what that is."

"Yeah, some science thing. If it was about sex, I would know about it. Anyway. That dude's got it bad. He couldn't take his eyes off her. Every time she would look away, he was looking at her. That's love bro. Buying over 500 bucks worth of lingerie and looking a girl in the eyes; that's love."

"Yeah, I guess you're right. Speaking of love, did you get with yoga girl."

"Oh yeah. She hated the menu idea. You just never know."

"Oh, so no sex huh?"

"Oh no, I did her. She just didn't like the menu idea… Man she was flexible. There was this one pose she did…."


	4. Chapter 4

_**Mary Cooper V. Shamy: Fourth Hearsay Argument**_

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><p>"Oh, Mrs. Cooper! What a <em>pleasant<em> surprise!" Leonard was not expecting his Skype alarm to go off at 6:45 AM on a Saturday, but whoever was on the other line must have had a good reason to wake someone up at that inhuman hour. Leonard didn't bother to put on his shirt or comb his hair before he answered. Once he saw Mary Cooper's smiling face, he quickly reached for Penny's night-gown to put it over his bare chest and preserve his modesty. He pushed up his glasses and took a Kush Kush off his inhaler.

"Well good mornin' sleepy head! Rough night I take it?" Mary Cooper's smirk did a lousy job hiding her giggles. "Looks like you and your fiancé are practicing a heck of lot for the wedding night, hon."

"Oh, no. I am just getting something over here… Nothing going on, ma'am." Leonard looked around the living room and tried to fix the camera angle away from the bedroom door, "Anyway… Well, I think… What can I do for you, Mrs. Cooper? Is Sheldon okay? I just talked to him yesterday, he seemed fine. Do you want to me get him across the hall? I am at Penny's right now. I just… came over to get… some sugar…"

"Oh honey, I'm sure you did _get_ some sugar… Last night." Mary chuckled again, "No, dear, I aint callin on Shelly, I'm callin on you. I need the dirt on Shelly, and you know him better than one. Well, except that girl of his. But I can't call over to her house now knowing what I know, can I?"

"I'm sure you could Mrs. Cooper. What seems to be the problem?" Leonard reached over to grab his mug of cold tea from last night. He took a large swallow before Mary dropped the bomb.

"Shelly and her are knocking boots, and I need to know if I need to start knittin' for little Cooper kids."

Leonard spit out his cold tea across the room. "What?! No way! I don't even think Sheldon would know how, let alone… " Leonard looked at his friend's overly religious mother and curbed in his vocabulary. "Um.. I seriously doubt Sheldon? No way!"

"Oh honey, there is no doubt." Mary crossed her arms and shook her head. She was as sure of this as she was there was a heaven above.

Leonard narrowed his eyes at Mary Cooper in disbelief. Just as he was about to say something, a half-naked Penny came into the living room and stumbled to the coffee maker. Mary's eyes grew wide and then narrowed on Leonard. He moved the camera and raised his voice to Mary, but aimed his gaze at Penny, "TELL ME MRS. COOPER, why do you think Sheldon is having… relations.." Penny looked over to Leonard and mouthed, "_Why is she calling_?" Penny pointed to the clock but Leonard shrugged his shoulders and threw the nightgown to Penny while grabbing a blanket to cover his chest.

"Oh, he's doing more than having relations, honey. Those two are wilder than an acre of snakes. And from what I heard, my boy can ride the rough string. Now, before Amy starts sitting on a nest, we need to have a man to man talk with Shelly. That's where you come in."

Penny almost dropped the coffee pot as she yelled from the kitchen, "Holy crap on a cracker! You think Amy and Sheldon finally had sex?"

Mary yelled over the Skype, "Oh honey, from what I heard, I think this was not their first Rodeo."

Penny came over to Leonard and scooched him down the couch so she could see Mrs. Cooper, "Why do you think that? Did Sheldon say something?"

Mary smirked at Leonard, "I thought you just went to Penny's this mornin', dear?"

"Yes, well.. that might not be the case.. Mrs. Cooper… Sorry…"

"Lyin' honey, part of the 10 big no no's from our lord himself. You better watch out for that Penny. Never trust a man who can lie without flinching. I taught Shelly that."

"I know you did, Mrs. Cooper. Sheldon is a terrible liar."

Mary laughed, "Yeah, well, he twitches like a new born bird."

"Then why don't you just ask him about last night?"

"Oh no, honey, Shelly would never admit to his momma he was knocking boots. No, I heard them. The truth will be told whether that boys tells it or not."

Leonard pressed the bridge of his nose together and winced, "As much as I hate to think what you heard, how is that possible, Mrs. Cooper? You live in Texas! You can't hear what they are doing?"

Mary Cooper dropped her eyes down in an exasperated look, "Listen honey, there is this wonderful thing called the internet? I'm sure you've heard of it? I was on this Skype thing with Shelly. He forgot to hang up when Amy came a'callin."

Penny looked at Leonard, "That's right! Amy was over last night at Sheldon's! That was why he cancelled Vintage Game night! He was pretty cagey about what they were going to be doing."

Leonard looked at Penny and said, "Yeah, I mean, it was weird. He pushed me out and locked the door with the dead bolt! Do you think he really was…"

Penny looked concerned, "What happened last night?"

"Yes, Please… What exactly did you hear?" Leonard tried to shake the last few minutes of conversation out of his mind.

Mary took in a deep breath and sucked in her lips, "My little boy has grown up. I just can't wrap my head around what I heard. I knew him going to California would led him down a path of sin, but I never imagined him being so vocal about it."

"Oh God!"

"Yeah, there was a lot of that! I beg that boy to go to church with me, and the way he was taking the lord's name in vain while he was doing what he was doing…" Mary held on to her cross necklace while she mouthed a prayer above her head.

"Mrs. Cooper, please. I am sure you just mis-heard Sheldon. Maybe your speakers are getting old."

Mrs. Cooper dropped out of her prayer, and narrowed her eyes at Leonard, "I know what you are insinuating there, Leonard. I may be old, but I know what is sounds like when a woman is getting pleasured, believed me. The sounds that girl was making would make a whore blush. Or even you, Penny."

"Hey!" Penny covered herself more with her flimsy nightgown, "Well now I have to hear what happened.

"Okay, well, I heard Shelly go to the door and greet her. Then I saw a rush of them go by the screen. Shelly said something about not wanting to get dirty. Amy said, he was always careful before. I saw her sweater being thrown on the chair like a striptease..."

"Woah! Amy never takes off her sweater. What happened next?"

"I think they were in the kitchen or on the couch, i couldn't be sure... I could see that the camera was aimed at the bedroom, so I know they weren't in there."

"Sheldon doesn't let girls in his room."

"Well, he might should start. Damn sight better than where he was doing his business. Of course, anything if better than a 1974 Dodge pick-up, let me tell you. Anyhow. I heard him ask her if she wanted to go first, and she said no, he does it better. Then I heard all kinds of commotion. Then I heard him say to spread it open."

"Oh my god!"

"Watch that use of the lord's name, honey, but yes. They Shelly was all sultry like, "How's that, Amy?" And Amy said, ooh, that's good, spread it more, go deeper, please."

Leonard's eyes were wide and his hand was on his mouth. Penny was just as shocked, but her gaping mouth could catch flies. They didn't know what was more shocking, what was being said, or who was saying it.

"A few minutes later, I heard all kind of stuff coming off my computer. I thought it was attacked again by one of them immoral virus things ya know. Like the ones that make you sign up for free estimates on carpet cleaning, and before you know it, you are getting cunnilingus lessons from some burly man named Igor from Russia or something."

Penny almost spit out her coffee when Mary Cooper said cunnilingus. Mary continued, "I don't know what they are doing in Russia, but they sure know how to clean a carpet. Anyhow, back to Shelly…" Mary continued, "Then I heard slapping sounds and Amy saying hit it harder. I heard that sweet mousy little girl yell at my Shelly, "Slap it harder Cooper, like I told you to!" All my sweet Shelly said, "as you wish, but this will be over too quickly if I do it wrong." Amy said, "oh , you're doing it right, Sheldon, so right."

"No way! Holy sweet je…" Penny stopped quickly when she saw Mary Cooper glare at her, "Wow, just wow."

Leonard shook his head, "Mrs. Cooper, there is no way Sheldon would be doing that with Amy. I am telling you, he get squeamish licking a stamp. There is no way he could pleasure… "Leonard looked at who he was talking to and changed his tone, "…he could do that. You must have heard something else."

Penny nodded in agreement, "Yeah, Mary. I mean Sheldon is well…. Sheldon. He doesn't like anyone touching him let alone… what you saying."

"Listen you two, I know what the sound of 'carpet cleaning' sounds like and I sure the hell know what the sound of man gettin' pleasured by a woman sounds like. Lord knows some days it was the only way to shut ol George Cooper up when he came in drunk and frisky at 3:30 in the morning. The next thing I heard was a distinct sound that could only be described as a man getting his private parts polished. That girls must have some fast strong hands, given what I heard coming over that speaker."

Leonard held his hands to his ears, "Mrs. Cooper, you don't need to go blow by blow here."

"No dear, that came next. Amy says to him, "I just want to lick the tip. My sweet innocent little boy said next, I will never forget. He said to her, "No you won't. You will lick all, Amy, like I told you to do. Don't let a drop out of your mouth. I don't want Leonard to know what we are doing here. Oh that's good. So good Amy. Take it all in."

Penny started rubbing her flush neck and Leonard buried his head in his hands. Penny squealed, "Oh my god, Sheldon! Ride em' cowboy!"

Mary shook her head, "Well, something was getting' rode that night, let me tell you. Then Amy says, she can't take anymore and Sheldon says, fine, he'll put it in then. Amy said it was too hot, but Shelly says, "cause you didn't let me stick it in longer. If you let me decide, it would be perfect. Then I heard some hubbub, then he says let's move to the living room. Then I saw them rush past the screen. Then she says to him she brought a special outfit. He says "let me see it". She says, "Turn around and I will put it on." Then he says, I've seen you naked, what's the big deal?""

"He really said that?"

"Yes! Why is that so shocking?! Haven't you been listenin' to a word I've been sayin, hon?"

"Oh, believe me, I can't forget a word you said, nor will I be able to for a long time. I just can't believe he has seen Amy naked. I mean, we had a makeup Prom, and he freaked out over seeing her in dress!"

"Maybe he been used to seeing her out of a dress, sweet heart. Sounds to me, my Shelly and Amy are seasoned pros at this. There was nothin' shy about Shelly that night."

"What happened next, Mrs. Cooper?"

"Well, then Amy says to him, "Fine. I hear her grunting then she says, what do you think? I think she was putting on some kind of sex outfit, ya know. Like the ones with ties on the side that the man can just pull open with his teeth. And the crotch part is open, so he don't need to take it off. You know what I mean, Penny."

"Yes, Mrs. Cooper, I do. But how to you know?"

"I had three kids, honey and none of them were immaculate conceptions, let me tell you. Anyway. Then Amy says to him. "Do you want me to bend over this, and he says, "yes, and bend down so I can see it all or it doesn't count."

"No way!

"Oh yes. I can't believe it was my boy talkin' like that. His voice was deep and husky. I had never heard him like that. I should hope I never will. I mean, for a mother to hear her son take a woman like that. I mean from I heard, he had bent over and he driving in her like he was steering a bull in a pen. I heard more slapping sounds and I thought I heard a whip. Soon I heard loud grunting sounds. Then he was counting, 35, 36 37, 38… Like he was counting the thrusts he bore in her. Then he was like this" Mary let out such erotic, yet loud grunts, Penny and Leonard could just look at each in disbelief Mary moaned, "ooh, ug … ohh … ug… oh oh oh oh… uh oh uh oh uh…"

"We get it, Mrs. Cooper. Then what?"

"Then Shelly let out a yelp, but it wasn't a good one. Amy said to him, "Let me try this". All I heard from Shelly after that was, "oh god. Oh yes. Just like that. Don't stop. Your hands, Amy.. Oh, you are a something or other." I couldn't hear much after that. They both let out a moan and I heard more slapping sound like bodies hitting leather."

Penny and Leonard looked at each other with dismay. Mary continued, "I heard him say, "God, you are perfect Amy. I would never do this with anyone else and I never will. Then I heard him kiss her and tell her he loves her."

"Ohh, that's sweet, Mary!"

"It is. My boy is so in love. But still..." Mary Cooper was calm as cucumber, but wore a worried scowl over her face. She spoke softly, "Now, here is the part that worries me; what they said next."

"What did they say?"

"Shelly said, "You'll never tell them, right Amy?" And she said, "Never Sheldon, no matter what." Now, does that sound like something he would talk to his mother about? I mean, I never thought my Shelly would have a friend, let alone girlfriend. I met the girl. I love her to pieces. She is perfect for my Shelly. Just enough like him, but able to learn, ya know. Not so stuck in her ways like he is. She even called over her getting recipes and such and we had a nice chat. She is crazy for that boy... I hope that Shelly marries her, but you know how he thinks. That boy.. I love him, but he is most irreverent, smart mouth, patient inducing sweetest little honey pot a mother could be blessed with. He is sinnin' and has no intention of making her an honest woman. He don't believe in the sanctity of marriage. If he is pushed on it, he'll bolt. No doubt. But the way you California types play out there fast and loose with the rules of life, that girl is going be poppin out a soccer team."

"Oh god, you think he'll get her pregnant?"

"If he hasn't already. I don't know her moral stance, ya know. She better be Christian and not Jewish like your other little friend. They aren't related are they?"

"Howard? No, Mrs. Cooper. Not at all."

"Good. If she was Jewish, Shelly's father would be rollin in his grave. I do know she's a California native, which means she got one foot in Sodom and one in Gomorra. He needs to use protection or marry her. Preferably both. Now, as his best friend, you need to have the talk with him." Mary lowered her tone and stared at Leonard with determined eyes.

"Mrs. Cooper, I have talked to him."

"Yeah, we got him a book!"

"Well I hate to think what kind of book he's been reading given what I heard. Probably that 50 Shades of Gray."

"How do you know what 50 Shades of Gray is, Mrs. Cooper?"

"Never mind that. Shelly needs the talk about how a man and woman get together AFTER they are married, under the eyes of god. How it works when mommies and daddies make babies. You know!"

Leonard slumped his shoulders over his new assignment like a pupil getting extra homework, "But I have tried to talk to him, Mrs. Cooper! Every time I mention anything to do with sex, he freaks out and leaves or looks like a deer in head lights."

"Well, I told you how to hunt, boy. You need to approach the game from the side, don't go head on like some city slicker. Penny, you know what I am sayin?"

"I do, Mrs. Cooper. We have to trap him."

"Oh yeah, like a rabbit in the ticket. Get those two in the act, and then he can't deny it. THEN confront him on the protection thing. I will give you a week. Then I am comin' out and will deal with this immoral mess myself. Oh, and Penny?"

"Yes, Mary?"

"You might want to plan for a double wedding. Ever think about getting married on the coast? Like say the Gulf of Mexico?"

Penny rolled her eyes, "Oh Sweet Jesus!"

"Let's hope he hears ya, hon." Mary clasped her hands together, "Let's pray…Our Lord Father, we need you now to show our Shelly the right path back to you lovin arms…"

Leonard and Penny looked at each other while their head bowed and Mary Cooper continued her 7 minute prayer. Penny let out one more, "Oh lordy", before Mary Cooper said, "Amen. Talk to you all next week. And Penny, Don't forget what I said about the cow and milk, honey. Don't be a broke dairy farmer, hon. Good bye!"

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><p><strong>AN: Do you guys have any ideas about who could over hear Shamy sexy time next? I would love to hear your ideas! Thanks again for all the support for this fan fic and my others. I really appreciate all the reviews and follows. It means a lot and shows me that you like my stuff. I feel like Sally Field at the Oscars, "you like me! you really like me!" Anyway, thanks to all you guys for reading this crazy story. If you have an idea, or would like to write your own, tell me so I can link to it. **


	5. Chapter 5

**Kripke, Bert and Mrs. Davis Vs. Shamy; Fifth Hearsay Test**

"Hewo wovwy wadies! How are we doing this fine evening?" Barry Kripke was turning on the charm for three uninterested ladies at the punch bowl. It had been a dull evening so far and the Kripke radar for desperate ladies was hitting a wall. He only came to this interdepartmental mixer sponsored by the Cal-Tech science department to pick up women. So far there were slim pickings.

He scanned the crowd for potential victims like a shark sniffing for blood. There was Leslie Winkle of course, but he had hit that one trick pony hard and she had yet to come back begging for more. There was Alex, Cooper's assistant, a choice bit of meat if ever Kripke saw one. The three complaints to HR crushed those dreams. Then there were the gaggle of English professors gathered near the far table. However most of that lot were over the age of 60 and Kripke had to save his dalliance with the older ladies for fund raisers. He looked through the crowd but the only available women were the scores of young naive undergrads. Those pigeons were just waiting for a brilliant professor such as Barry Kripke to take them under his wing and show them his own 'super collider'.

Unfortunately he was under scrutiny from the ever watchful eye of Mrs. Davis, the HR representative who had already advised him to stay away from anyone who looked under the age of 25. Kripke could ill afford another lecture on sexual harassment. He had long since passed Howard Wolowitz's record of the most complaints for sexual harassment in the Science department.

As he continued to scan the crowd he found a new victim: A fetching brunette whose round ample backside was just waiting for someone to smack. Her back was turned to him, but he could tell she was all woman. He mumbled to himself, "Who's that wovwey wady with all the junk in the twunk?"

"Oh that's Amy Farrah Fowler. Cute huh?"

Kripke looked up to see a giant of a man standing next to him. The large man with pale features, light hair and lumbering limbs was standing far too close in Kripke's personal space. However his deep gentle calm voice seemed in contrast to his towering stature.

Kripke stepped back and looked again over to the woman he was just ogling, "What do you mean? That's Amy?" Amy didn't have on her usual attire for the evening. She had her hair up in a loose bun and was wearing a rather fetching dress sans cardigan.

"Yep, Dr. Amy… She's cute. I had a big crush on her, but turns out, she's a lesbian."

Kripke laughed at his new drinking companion, "A Wesbian? Weawy? I think you are misinformed, pal. That's Cwooper's girl. I didn't wecognize her in that dwess. Wowee. She wooks gweat."

"I am not misinformed. I was told by her friends, Howard Wolowitz and Raj…"

"Wet me cut you off there pal. What's your name?"

"Bert, from Geology."

"Well, Bert from geology, Those woosers wie wike a dog on a wug. Not only is she not a wesbian, she is a fweak, wet me tell you. I know this personally." Kripke downed his drink and refilled his glass for the 4th time. His new friend Bert looked crest fallen as he stared longingly at Amy's direction.

"What do you mean, personally? Have you dated her?"

"ME? No way. I wish! Fwom what I heard, she wikes it wough and wikes to give it just as hard. That's all Cwooper there, pal… Couldn't get cwose if I twied. She has him wapped awound her wittle finger. I think he wikes it though."

Bert slumped, "Howard and Raj told me she likes girls. They told me she had big crush on a girl named Penny and those two did all kinds of fweaky, I mean freaky things. They talked about it the whole way to the Santa Monica Rock show with me. I don't believe they would lied to me. Not cool to say they did man." Bert towered over Barry and growled.

Barry gulped, "Sowy man, it's twue. And, well, given what I heard, you couldn't handle that girl anyway. She is a sex addict. Cwooper told me all kinds of things they did and she never lets up. He was so distwacted, he puts out some cwap work, and fwom him, that's a big deal. She makes him do her at least 5 times a week! She woves wingerie and sex toys. He said he did this one thing with a wocket. I mean, oh my god, I thought I was a fweak…" Just as Kripke was about to explain the rocket technique Mrs. Davis came up to the pair.

"Dr. Kripke I certainly hope you are conversing in a manner that is appropriate for a work environment." Mrs. Davis scowled at Kripke but Bert was oblivious. He answered before Kripke could open his mouth.

"Oh yes Mrs. Davis. Kripke was just about to tell me how Amy likes rockets."

"Shh you idiot!" Kripke snapped at Bert but the damage was done.

"Amy? You mean Dr. Fowler? What do you mean she likes rockets? Like space rockets? She's in Neurobiology."

"No, like toy rockets. Kripke is trying to convince me that she and Dr. Cooper use toy rockets in the bedroom and she…"

Mrs. Davis cut off Bert with her hand, "Bert that is completely inappropriate conversation for work!" Mrs. Davis leaned in however and whispered, "You mean she is dating Dr. Cooper?"

Kripke answered, "Yes. For fower years."

Mrs. David took a swift drink and shook her head, "I had no idea. I mean, Dr. Cooper? I didn't think he liked girls."

Both Kripke and Bert looked at Mrs. Davis with shock, "No! I mean I didn't think he liked anyone, men or women, let alone have a girlfriend for years. "

"Oh he likes them alright. Well, her anyway."

Mrs. Davis looked over at Amy who was laughing with some people from the English Department, "She must be a saint…"

Bert added flatly, "Still think she is a lesbian."

"Dude get over it. She's not…." Kripke looked back at Mrs. Davis, "He told me all about his sexploits with Dr. Fowler."

"Well, I hardly think that is appropriate for work, Dr. Kripke."

"Cwooper started it. He said his sex with Dr. Fowler was fwequent, intense, and whimsically inventive. Hand to god!"

Mrs. Davis looked over at Dr. Cooper across the room and tried to suppress a coy grin forming on the side of her mouth. "Really, he said that?"

"Oh, yeah. Those two are bunny wabbits, wet me tell ya."

Mrs. Davis was still in shock to keep her role as HR director. She couldn't fathom the same Dr. Cooper who she had counseled on numerous times on the inappropriate nature of his off-handed remarks could be a steady relationship with a woman for four years. She had to hear more, "I mean I've had him in my office. He seems too naive and childlike. Although…"

"Yes…." Kripke asked with baited breath.

Mrs. Davis added, "Lately his assistant Alex has been telling me some tales…"

Kripke and Bert leaned in, "Weawy? Wike what exactwy?"

"I really shouldn't say…" Mrs. Davis sipped her drink and looked away.

"Still think she is a lesbian."

It was Mrs Davis turn to snap, "Oh get over it Bert! I mean if that's who Dr. Cooper has been really doing things with she is anything but."

"Like what did Alex say?" Kripke cocked his head to Mrs. Davis waiting for the much anticipated gossip. She couldn't hold back anymore.

She couldn't resist any longer. She had to tell someone, "Okay, but don't say anything!"

Bert and Kripke looked at each other and held up three fingers, "Okay! Scouts honor!"

Mrs. Davis leaned in giddy like a school girl who had such tantalizing gossip, she couldn't hold it in, "Well, Alex told me she tried to go to work one day, but when she approached Dr. Cooper's door it was locked. She knocked, but all she heard was some shuffling around. Soon a sweaty Cooper comes to the door, but only a crack. He tells her to take the day off and he will see her tomorrow. She came to see me worried she would lose her healthcare if she didn't have enough billing hours."

"Whoa, at work! What a fweak!"

Mrs. Davis leaned in further and looked around to make sure no one heard, "She also said that Dr. Cooper has been very cagey about his phone, smiling over every text he gets and hiding his phone from her when she comes over. He's also has been asking her inappropriate questions concerning a woman's…. Flexibility."

Kripke licked his lips, "Oh weawy, I like where this is going. What did he ask her?"

"How far a woman can bend over, lift her leg, if their breast's get in the way. Completely inappropriate. I had to give him another lecture over the comments. He said it was all for scientific research for a joint project he was doing with biology."

"I bet it's a joint project… Oh man, he's a savage!"

Mrs. Davis added with a low tone, " He even tried to get Alex to buy lingerie!"

Kripke held up his glass in agreement, "I knew he woved wingerie! But he said it doesn't stay on for long. He doesn't like it to get all sweaty when they smash their swim suit parts together."

Mrs. Davis choked on her drink, "Swim suit parts? I have to have a talk with that man again. I am going to have clear my schedule. Oh boy…"

Bert looked confused, "Come to think of it… I've seen him sweaty lately too. He has been very cagey around the basement. We store some core samples from near San Andreas fault down there. I was down there the other day, and he was going down there with a bag of something. I think it was a box from a pharmacy because it said CVS on the side. I asked him what was in the bag and he hid it in his jacket and told me to mind my own bees wax. Then he gave me a dirty look and left."

Kripke was loving it, "He's bwinging condoms to work! And doing it in the basement? Oh man, I have to ask him about that!"

Mrs. Davis whispered again, "That goes with what I know too. Apparently every day Dr. Cooper leaves his office at around at the same time and comes back all sweaty. The other day I saw him in the basement too, and he was fastening up his pants while he was leaving a room…"

"What? I hate to be gross, but maybe he was having some alone time… You know…" Bert raised his brows suggestively at Mrs. Davis but she just scrunched her nose.

"Besides how could he have the stamina given what I know! What a fweak!"

Mrs. Davis nodded and continued, "Well, I asked him what he was doing, and he said he was doing exercises. I believed him but told him to use the university gym instead. He said it doesn't work his inner thighs like he needs."

"I bet he is working his inner thighs. Oh man! I wove this guy!"

Mrs. Davis looked concerned, "I didn't question it. Now, I don't know." Mrs. Davis looked over to Amy who now had Sheldon by her side. "Now that I think about it, I saw Dr. Fowler that same day. She seemed disheaved, and out of breath."

Mrs. Davis squinted to see what Amy was doing with Sheldon. Amy looked up to him and smiled, but Sheldon looked bored and whispered something to her. He raised his brows at her suggestively and Amy blushed and looked away. Mrs. Davis was seeing Dr. Cooper in a whole new light.

"Wewl, wet me tell you. I've been to his apartment with his girlfwiend. We were fwilming an episode of Fwun with Fwags."

"What's fun with flags?" Bert looked completely interested.

"I'll send you a wink. It's an internet show on fwags. Anyway, I was doing a segment for them. I cwushed it, answerd evwything. He made some comment about checking the wecording to her unwike she did for Fworth of Juwy and she snapped at him. He seemed to wike her snapping at him by the way."

"Really? Dr. Cooper liked someone telling him what to do?"

"Oh yes, when she wooked away he smiled at her. Either he wikes it or he was owgwing her caboose."

"I can get behind that!" Bert raised his glass to Mrs. Davis who death stare froze him.

"Take it down a notch, Bert."

"Sorry…"

"Anyway, I think he's awl tawk till she gets him behind cwosed doors." Kripke nudged Bert in his side but it only hit his stomach which Bert held as if he had been stabbed with a sword. Kripke just rolled his eyes and continued, "Anyway, Amy said she had to wecord over the thing from the other night. He wooked cwestfallen and bwushed at the same time. She told him not to wowy, they have other night's wecorded and winked him."

"Are you implying that Dr. Cooper is making sex tapes? Are you sure? I mean, come on! Dr. Sheldon Cooper?" Mrs. Davis thought about it for second. "Although…"

"Although…?"

"He does like to take his pants off a lot. I am still getting calls over that Chancellor's award ceremony a couple years ago. What a nightmare." Mrs. Davis held her head, She was now getting the phantom head ache pain she got every time Dr. Sheldon Cooper name is mentioned.

"That was hystewical! Hweriwous."

"For you! I had to deal with complaints from all the Asian staff members. Do you have any idea how long that took? Weeks!"

"I don't think he is very nice to geologists. One time at paint ball he said we weren't real scientists. My colleagues and I littered him with bullets. Jerk."

"Well, he can be jerk. But when he is with Dr. Fower he is different. I don't know. It's weird. When she went in the other woom I asked him, "so Cwooper, wecording your kinky sexy time huh? He said, yeah, something like that, and I have never seen him smile so bwoadly… I told him to send me a copy and he almost choked on his water. That guys a fweak, I'll tell ya."

Bert's shoulders drooped , "So, she's not a lesbian?"

Both Kripke and Mrs. Davis shouted , "NO!"

"Which means she is available!"

Kripke and Mrs. Davis looked at each other and shook their heads, "Have you been listening to the same conversation Bert!? She is with Dr. Cooper. And from what I just heard, happily so!"

"Not for long!" Bert strolled over to Amy and Sheldon with a confident stride.

"This is not going to end well. Cwooper is a jealous fweak about her."

"I better call security." Mrs. Davis was about to call security when she saw Bert chatting up a nervous Amy. Amy said something to Bert and it made him look down and away.

"Dr. Fowler looks totally uncomfortable around him."

"Wouldn't you be? I mean that guy's a six foot fower marshmallow who can't take a hint. Cwooper will stwaighten him out."

As if on cue Sheldon moved closer to Amy and put his arm around her waist. She looked up at him and blushed but Sheldon was too busy talking to Bert. Within a minute Bert slouched away, looking like a wounded animal. Dragging his feet on the floor he made his way back to a gawking Mrs. Davis and Kripke.

"What happened? Did he threaten you?"

"No, not really. I don't know… He said something about meeting me on the field of battle to settle the score once and for all. He also told me what I can do with my rock samples but I don't think they will fit."

"Told you he was jealous fweak. You're lwucky you got out alwive, Bert."

Bert shrugged his shoulders, "Yeah, I guess. He said something Texan to me, which I didn't catch and he also said something about lesser minds and not worthy of her presence, but it was more what she said. She is so in love with him there's no way…"

"Really? I thought they were just sex addicts? Like fwiends with _**major**_ benefits?"

Bert let out a sigh, "Nah she's crazy over him. She said she was sorry but her heart was already taken by another so perfect for her that was as if she found the other part of her soul. Then Cooper added, '_**she**_ is the better part I might add'. Then he added all those things about my rock samples and stuff. She told him to play nice and he got quiet and mumbled he was sorry to her. Those two are made for each other. Oh well."

"Isn't that sweet!" Mrs. Davis looked over at Sheldon who was still beaming at Amy. However, Kripke ruined the moment:

"Yeah, and waiter, he is going to show her his wocket again! Damn, Cwooper!"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **

**I would love to know what you think. I think Mrs. Davis is a little out of character here, but I think it is hilarious that she can't help but gossip about Shamy. That is kind of the point of the story: No one can help talk about the Shamy. But what do you guy think? And who should be next?**

**Also, please forgive my Kripkeism, It is hard to write in his voice, but I think this is pretty good. **

** Thanks to ShAMy4evr for the help with this chapter. SHe really helped all the edits for Kripke's voice and I think she did a fantastic job. Much better than what I had. **

**NOw. who's next? wah wah wah!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Mrs. Wolowitz Vs. Shamy; Sixth Hearsay Test**

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><p><strong>This chapter is dedicated to the wonderful actress who played Mrs. Wolowitz, <strong>**Carol Ann Susi****. I re-watched all the scenes in show to capture her voice. I hope I did her justice. She will be missed. **

**Spoiler**** alert: There is a reference to a joke in the upcoming episode. I will not tell you what it is. If you read the taping report you'll get it. If not, then you won't get it anyway. **

* * *

><p>"Where's that balabusta Catholic girl? Doesn't that Goy know it's rude not to visit her mother in law? I could be dying, does she care? No!"<p>

Mrs. Wolowitz was incensed. She had been slaving away over a hot stove just to make a fabulous meal of her famous brisket for her son and his wife. Everything was supposed to be perfect, the only problem was her only son Howard shows up without the wife and late no less. Mrs. Wolowitz knew that after Howie left the house, he would ignore his poor invalid mother. At least she had Stuart to take care of her.

Stuart, who opened the locked front door for Howard, shook his head at him disapprovingly.

"Why is the door locked, when you knew I was coming, Stuart?" Howard didn't wait for the reply. He bellowed back to her from the foyer, "At least I'm here for dinner, Ma!"

Stuart added quickly, "She's been cooking all day, Howard."

Howard told him to stuff it and barged into the house to answer his mother's yells. He entered his family home to find his mother in the bathroom, barking at him through the door. "What am I running here, the Olive Garden? You could have at least picked up the phone and told me your little wife was too good to show up!"

"Ma, I told you, Bernadette is working. She can't make it every time you want to kbitz over the Goldstein's new vinyl siding!"

"First off, the Goldsteins have no business buying that cheap crap. I mean it brings down the value of the whole neighborhood. Don't they know about Zillow?"

"How do you even know about Zillow, MA? I still have to explain to you the internet is not a system of tubes."

"Stewie told me. He showed me my house is worth twice since last year. That was until the shlemiel Goldstein's and their siding ruined the street."

"Why in the hell would Stuart be showing you the value of your house? Not like you're gonna sell, or something Ma." Howard glowered at Stuart who ignored him and put out the plates for the brisket. Mrs. Wolowitz finally left the bathroom and sat on the couch.

"You don't know what I am going to do. You're never here, anyway. Too busy with you friends including that mesheggina weirdo and his girlfriend with all the chutzpah. I like her. She's knows how to handle a man."

"Who the hell are you talking about Ma? Penny and Leonard?"

"No, not them! Those two are ticking time bomb. Just wait till she get some fancy acting job. It will be goodbye to poor Leonard..."

"Leonard and Penny are doing great, Ma."

"For now! By the way, get you couch ready when those two get married. Anyway, I was talking about Sheldon and Dr. Amy. She's a doctor too, ya know!"

"I know she's a doctor, Ma! Everyone's a doctor but me! How did you run into them?" Howard looked at Stuart who had remained quiet during Mrs. Wolowitz rant. He shrugged his shoulders and told Howard what was going on, "We were out the other day at a weight watchers meeting in Burbank when we ran into them."

"Hold up… Ma, you're going to weight watchers? I've been trying to get to you go for years."

"Yeah, you told me to go after you asked me to pick up those Armenian cakes you liked so much. So much for encouragement. Stewie has been taking me for weeks. Afterwards we go to Ikea."

"MA! The only reason you go to Ikea is to get the meat balls and Swedish cookies!"

"Well, it's easier to count the points per meat ball. Excuse me for trying to watch my figure! Anyway, back to that strange couple. Stuart told me those two have been shtupping like rabbits, and I guess it's true. We ran into…"

"Hold up hold up… this is too much to process." Howard sat down on the couch and put his hands on his face to regain some control and process the last few minutes of information.

Howard took a deep breath, "Are you trying to tell me Sheldon and Amy are having sex, Ma? And you heard this from him?" Howard didn't even look at Stuart, but he was the one who answered.

"Yes. I heard from Zack that he ran into Amy and Sheldon at a lingerie store. He said he took off her bra in 3 seconds!"

"Zack? Penny's Zack? What the hell? Are you sure he was telling the truth?"

"Dude, that guy is many things, but smart enough to lie is not one of them."

Howard had to agree, "Fair point."

"Anyway, Zack said SHeldon snapped Amy's bra off in record time."

"What!? SHeldon?"

"I know, right? AND...he bought her all kinds of lingerie and sex toys!"

"WHAT?! Sex toys? Are you crazy?" Howard didn't believe a word of it.

"Well, 500 dollars worth of lingerie sounds crazy to me."

Mrs. Wolowitz interrupted, "Not that they get their money's worth and wear it for very long. Those two are rabbits, I tell ya. If you and that pent up Catholic girl had sex half as much as those two, I would have a grandchild by now."

"MA! Bernie and I have sex plenty…" Howard looked at the ceiling fan and shock his head to hide his lie, "Anyway, what makes you think Sheldon and Amy are having sex?"

"Don't you listen? They were coming out of Planned Parenthood. Why else would you go in there? Besides, you should have seen the look on their faces when they ran into us!"

"Maybe because it's weird that you two go everywhere together like some old married couple?"

Mrs. Wolowitz snapped back, "You're just jealous that Stuart takes better care of me than you ever did!"

"That's not true and you know it! I did lots…" Before Howard could go off on his mother, Stuart interrupted.

"Condoms."

Both Howard and his mother turned to Stuart, "WHAT?!"

"They give away free condoms at Planned Parenthood. Oh, and birth control pills. Maybe Amy was getting some. They had a bag from the place. It looked pretty full."

"Hold up, are you saying Sheldon Cooper and Amy Farrah Fowler came out of Planned Parenthood with a bag of stuff?"

"Yes! What are you deaf? What the hell did Space do to you, Howard?" She shook her finger at Howard, "NASA better pay your medical bills for the hearing test you need. Those tight wad bastards!"

"MA! NASA isn't tight wad, they have been very…" Howard rubbed his face again, "Why do I even try. Get back to Sheldon and Amy."

"Okay, they came out of the door just as Stuart and I were going into my meeting. I tried to go the first one of the day, but traffic was so bad, we missed it. So we waited at the doughnut shop next door for the 10 AM meeting. Sheldon and his girl were discussing something when they almost ran into us, remember Stewie?"

"Oh, yeah. Something about planning ahead is best part of premarital coitus, or something."

Howard just dropped his jaw, "I can't even... just woo...Pre-martial coitus? They are going to get married? I can't believe..."

"Well, believe it. I gave Sheldon a big hug which he didn't return by the way."

Stuart added quickly, "I tried to hug Amy, but Sheldon growled at me! He growled!"

"Wow! That's new! I've seen him jealous before, but not that bad."

"That man needs to loosen up and eat a sandwich, too skinny. Anyway, I told him to introduce me to this girl. He said she was his girlfriend, Amy Farrah Fowler. A doctor, no less. "

"She's not a real doctor."

"Actually, she is…"

"No, Ma, she's a neurobiologist."

"A Brain doctor? No wonder she's with him! She has enough to study in that ferkockt noggin for years!"

"Actually, we hoped she would help mellow him out. After 4 years, it's finally working."

"I bet. He is so smitten with her. I had to hear all about her degrees and such while he kvell over her for hours it seemed. Dr. Amy cut him off, and said they shouldn't keep Mrs. Wolowitz. Such a nice girl. I asked what they were doing and she blushed. He said, "Well, we weren't eating bananas if that's what you're asking. She scolded him for some reason."

"Bananas? I don't get it..."

"Neither did we. Anyway, he said they were just getting information. Then Amy said, "not that we need it, I have a degree in biology, Sheldon." He said, "Yes, but you can never be too careful, Dr. Fowler." And then he winked at her, and he blushed again like a school girl.

"Wow, Just wow…"

"Then he proceeds to explain all the different methods of birth control including hand gestures that showed how to put on a condom on his shvantz. Dr. Amy told him that I didn't need to hear all the details, and he said, well, if she knew this information 30 years ago, she could have been more selective with her family planning."

Howard's blood boiled, "That bastard!"

"Well, Amy scolded him and told him it was completely inappropriate and he bowed his head and apologized." Mrs. Wolowitz cocked her head as she remembered, "I thought you told me he never apologies for anything?"

"Only when she tells him too. Like Thanksgiving when he got drunk with Bernadette's dad."

"OH that! He should have apologized to me for the mess he made in the bathroom! I was cleaning up those clowns for weeks thanks to his drunken plotz."

Howard let out a huge sigh, "I know Ma! He said he would, but he passed out on the couch on Amy's lap. We couldn't get him up for hours."

"Well, at least he apologized to you. She's got him a lease, but I think he likes the collar, if you know what I mean…" Mrs. Wolowitz winked and nudged Stuart in the side. Howard was mortified.

"MA! That's completely inappropriate! You're my mother!"

"Howie, I'm old, I'm not dead! I saw the marks on his neck. Those two are getting dirty!"

"I just can't… I mean.. Sheldon barely hold her hand, let alone all what you're thinking." Howard tapped his chin, "However…."

Mrs. Wolowitz and Stuart leaned in at the same time, "Yes…"

"Raj said, that Emily treated a Hickey on Sheldon!"

"Get outta town!" Stuart almost hit Howard off the couch.

"I know, I couldn't believe it. Also… I ran into Leslie…"

"Oh, that girl you were shtupping before Bernadette?"

Howard rolled his eyes, "Yes, Ma… her… Anyway… She said she caught Sheldon and Amy kissing in his office!"

Stuart squealed like a school girl, "NO WAY! Go Shamy!"

"SHamy? How do you know about that name?"

"Hey, I know stuff…" Stuart cleared his throat and looked up. "I'll shut up now…"

Howard once again, rolled his eyes and asked his mother to continue the story. "Did they say anything else?"

"She also said your taste in music, specifically Neil Diamond, must mean that I was a wonderful mother to introduce her son to such great music! What a doll!"

"Well, she does love the Diamond, Ma. It's true."

"I'm telling you, Howie, you missed out not snarfing up that girl! Are you sure she's not Jewish?"

"Pretty sure, she had Victorian Christmas party."

"Well, she'd make a great Jew. She's has such a cute punim. Anyway, she asked where we were going and I told her. She said, she has a wonderful vegan recipe for rugalach that is half the fat that she got it from some actress' cookbook. She's smart and she can cook. Why couldn't you meet a girl like that?"

"Cause I love Bernadette, MA! Really! You like her!"

"I'd like her a lot better if she'd give me a grandchild before I'm 80 or if she looked at you like Dr. Amy looks at Sheldon. Any woman who can put up with that weirdo is a mensch. And the schmaltzy way he looks at her? I bet they have kids before you do!"

Howard had almost had enough, "MA! I hate to burst your bubble here, but I seriously doubt that Sheldon and Amy are having sex! Sheldon says he is above such baser urges."

"Oh, he's above alright, but I think she is the one who is above, if you know what I mean. She wears the pants in that family, no doubt."

"Ma, there is no family! They aren't married. They don't have sex." Howard tried to rub his headache away, but it was no good. He was used to getting it after 3 minutes in his old house.

"Then why, Mr. Smarty pants, are they leaving Planned Parenthood? She didn't look pregnant, though she got the hips for kids. I should know. I had the best figure before I popped this one outta me." Mrs. Wolowitz tilted her head to Howard, but he was too ver clempt to acknowledge the jab.

"But I still can't wrap my head around it. I mean he never touches her and he got upset over a mistletoe kiss..."

Stuart added, "Me thinks the man doth protest too much, ya know? "

"Just because he doesn't smother the poor girl every second doesn't mean they are knocking boots. My podiatrist was doodling the receptionist of the dentist next door for years before anyone knew. Especially his wife!"

"Well, if those two are having sex, he is the biggest hypocrite that ever walked the face of the earth. For YEARS we had to hear that giving in to our urges made us less evolved."

"Well, the way you would go at it, Howie, maybe he was right."

"MA! What are you saying? Sheldon was right to tell me not to have so much sex?"

"Let's be honest Howie, the only sex you were really having was with yourself. I mean how many bottles of lotion can one man have next to his bed?"

"MA! I can't believe you are saying this, in front of him, no less." Howard puts his hand over his eyes and hoped his mother would shut up. He hoped in vain.

"And the baths! How can a grown man take a bubble bath more than 5 times a week? I ask ya?"

"You know it helped my back, Ma! And I have dry skin, hence the lotion!"

"HA! Nothing on you was dry from what I heard from that bedroom every night. You probably need Nair for your hands that way you and Rosy Palms were getting along."

"MA!"

"Well, I'm just sayin'… If you spend more time doing your studies and less 'studying' yourself, you would be a doctor now too!"

"I have a master's degree from MIT, Ma! I went to space!"

"How is all that going to get me a grandchild? I should adopt Dr. Amy. I'd get a doctor in the family, a grandchild and a good recipe for rugalach."

Stuart added, "Oh and she can play the harp!"

Howard shook his head and glared at Stuart, "Shut up Stuart, don't be a putz…"

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><p><strong>AN: **

**I think Mrs. Wolowitz love Bernadette, she is just frustrated over no grandchildren. **

**I referenced a Vegan cookbook and of course, it's supposed to Majim Bialik's. **

** Here is a dictionary of the Yiddish terms. All off the internet.**

**BALABUSTA: The wife of an important person or a bossy woman.**

BUPKES: Something worthless or absurd.

CHUTZPAH: Nerve; gall, as in a person who kills her parents and asks for mercy because she is an orphan.

FERCOCKT: All fucked up.

GOY: A derogatory term meaning gentile, goyim is the plural, and goyisher is the adjective.

KIBITZ: To offer comments which are often unwanted during a game, to tease or joke around. A kibitzer gives unasked for advice.

KLUTZ: An awkward, uncoordinated person.

KVELL: To beam with pride and pleasure, Jewish parents are prone to kvell over their children's achievements.

KVETCH: To annoy or to be an annoying person, to complain.

MENSCH: A person of character. An individual of recognized worth because of noble values or actions.

MESHUGGE or MESHUGGINA: Crazy, refers to a more chronic disturbance.

PLOTZ: To burst, to explode, "I can't laugh anymore or I'll "plotz." To be aggravated beyond bearing.

PUNIM: Face

PUTZ: A vulgarism for penis but most usually used as term of contempt for a fool, or an easy mark.

SCHMALTZ: Literally chicken fat. Usually refers to overly emotional and sentimental behavior.

SCHMUCK: A vulgarism for penis, strong putdown for a jerk, a detestable person.

SHLEP: To carry or to move about. Can refer to a person, a "shlepper," who is unkempt and has no ambition.

SHMOOZ: To hang out with, a friendly gossipy talk.

SHTUP: An expression for sexual intercourse, to "screw."

SHVANTZ: A word for penis.

TUCHES: Backside, ass, "tuches lecker" means ass kisser, one who shamelessly curries favor with superiors.

VER CLEMPT: All choked up.


	7. Chapter 7

**Pendette or Penny and Bernie Vs. Shamy; Seventh Hearsay Test**

**Special Appearance by Wil Wheaton staring as himself**

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><p>Bernadette put her car into park in front of the hipster bar where she was to meet Penny and rushed inside to find her friend. Their clandestine meeting was set for a rarely visited location in Eagle Rock that touted the largest selection of IPA's in the San Gabriel valley. They had to ensure no one would overhear their discussion of the tantalizing bit of gossip that each lady was sure to make the other blush and squeal with glee. Penny was certain her news of the conversation with Sheldon's mother would be the highlight of the evening not to mention what she just heard through the door right before she came to the bar that night. Little did she know, Bernadette had her own titillating tale that was sure to tease her flibbertigibbet friend.<p>

Bernadette found Penny at a table in the corner of the bar, away from the prying eyes. Penny waved her over when she caught glimpse of her short friend, "Hey, you're already here? Am I late?"

"Nah, I just got her about 10 minutes ago."

Bernadette looked down at the table and saw the two empty wine glasses and a third half full in front of Penny, "_Yep, that's about right_." She thought to herself.

Bernadette sat next to her friend looking like the cat who got the cream. "So… Are you ready to hear what I got to tell you! It's so exciting!" Bernadette's voice jumped 4 octaves and almost shattered the empty wine glasses. The waitress finally bussed the empties and brought Bernie her own glass.

Penny had her own smug face as she guzzled her Chardonnay, "You are going to freak when I tell you what Mrs. Cooper told me."

"Not as much as you when I tell you what I saw!"

Both women at the same time shouted, "**Amy and Sheldon are having sex**!"

Penny looked at Bernadette confused when she asked disappointedly, "Wait, what? You knew?"

Penny looked crestfallen that her moment in the gossipy sun was overshadowed, "How did you know?"

Bernadette looked just as disappointed, but continued her tale, "Howie said his mother ran into them coming out of Planned Parenthood with birth control pills talking about premarital coitus!"

Penny almost dropped her wine. She wasn't expecting the words premarital to come out in a conversation about Sheldon and Amy, "Butter my butt and call me a biscuit! ! I should have believed her the first time I heard it. Now I do, but damn!"

"Who should you've believed? What are you talking about?" Bernadette asked.

"Mrs. Cooper!. You won't believe it! She told me her precious little Shelly was going at it... She overheard Sheldon and Amy getting it on over Skype like little bunnies."

"Shut the front door! You are freakin' kidding me!"

"I've forgot to tell you when we were shopping. Besides, I didn't believe it anyway." Penny leaned in to tell the tale, "Well, Sheldon's mom heard Amy and Sheldon getting jiggy with it. She heard it all, Amy calling his name out, slapping sounds. She said Sheldon was all dominant tell her to "_Take it all in, and swallow it!_" Penny took a swallow off her wine to emphasize the word which made Bernadette do the same as soon as she heard it.

"Oh my god, no way!"

"Way! Like I said, I didn't believe it at first. But now, holy crap on cracker, she was right! She wanted Leonard to have the talk with him. From what I heard, I want Sheldon to have the talk with Leonard, if you know what I mean!" Penny said as she raised her almost empty glass to the waitress and pointed to Bernadette's.

"Did he?"

"What, did Sheldon tell Leonard how to be a man in the sack?"

"NO! Did Leonard talk to Sheldon about what his mom overheard?"

"Hell no! Are you nuts? Senor Whackdoddle thinks asking his sex on government forms is too personal and judgmental. He wrote a letter to a Senator about it. No way could Leonard talk to him about sex. I asked him once, quite a while ago now if he and Amy were ever going to get physical, he said… and I quote, 'It was a possibility'. I think we see it now. Damn, maybe all that stuff he told Kripke is coming true, like the sex organ jostling. Which is gross, by the way."

"Well, you told me about the whole 'whimsically inventive' thing and let me tell ya, I think you're right. I am so happy that Amy is finally getting the love she deserves but I'll tell ya, I'm surprised those two are so bold!"

"What do you mean?"

"Howie told me that Kripke said Mrs. David caught them doing it in the basement of Cal-Tech!"

Penny spit out her wine, "What?! At work? No fricking way? I mean Leonard and I did in the laser lab, but he has a door and a sense of adventure. Well… a door at least!"

"Did you have a camera, too, because according to Kripke, they videotaped it!"

"NO WAY! Shamy Sex tapes? I never want to see that."

"I don't know… If Sheldon is as whimsically inventive as he says, maybe we can put his genius to good work and get some pointers." Bernadette ran her finger around the rim of her glass thinking of what could be on the tapes. Penny looked nauseated.

"No way… I can't even believe that! Amy would never do that, she has way too much class. Sheldon, I don't know, he takes off his pants a lot, so… "

"Howie's mom said they were rabbits, and she was right! I mean, those two couldn't even get outta my car without making out like a couple of sex starved teen agers!"

Penny pointed to waitress again for a refill, "Oh, you got some firsthand dirt! Spill! And not that wine, it's expensive."

Bernadette lowered her tone and leaned in, "Okay, well, the other day, I had to take Amy and Sheldon on a bunch of errands. Remember?"

"Oh yeah, cause Amy's car was in the shop."

"Right, we dropped it off in the morning, then Howie and I had to stop by his mother's. Amy and Sheldon were in the back seat doing one of their stupid games only they understand."

"God, I hate those games. I have a hard enough time with normal games with those two, let alone Indo-Euro word root boggle or hide the ball of wool, or some such crap."

"I know, I'm a biologist, and I can't win against those two. Lamo. Anyway, they didn't want to come in, so we left him in back seat. Well, you know how Howie's mother is…, blah blah blah. Besides I had to do some groveling about missing that dinner."

Penny whispered from the side of her mouth as she scoped the bar for eavesdroppers, "Oh, did they ever find out you and I were out shopping instead of you working?"

Bernie lowered her voice to the same range as a Pro Wrestler, "NO! And they never will or I will find a place for the bodies, right Penny?"

Penny gulped her new wine and tried to hide her shaking voice, "Sure, Bernie.. sure.."

Bernie resumed her high pitched voice and continued, "Anyway, when Howie and I finally get out of there, I look out and Amy and Sheldon are getting back in the car. They must have been making out on the roof or something. Amy and Sheldon are all disheveled. I mean, his hair is mess and tousled, her shirt is all open and ripped."

"OPEN? Like her bra is out and stuff?"

"Oh, no just her cardigan is unbuttoned, but her shirt was ripped. She kept messing with it and giving him dirty looks.

"Ripped?"

"Yeah, at the sleeve. I mean those two were all sweaty and flush. I think if we could come out a couple minutes later, we would have seen a full on Sheldon and Amy make out session!"

Penny started to stutter, she was so shocked, "Get out! I cccan't believe they would make out in public! I mean, he doesn't even give her a kiss in public! Remember New Year's Eve? He came up with that lame excuse that the champagne cork hit him in the eye and Amy had to check on him right when the ball dropped?"

"That was so lame. I mean the cork was pointed the other direction, for god sake. What a big baby! Everyone knows he wanted to kiss her for New Years. She had to get her New Year's kiss in the bathroom with the smell of Bactine. Who the hell does he think he's fooling?"

"Well, not us, that's for damn sure. He should have given her the kiss she deserves!"

"Damn right!"

Penny narrowed her eyes, "I knew something was up when I heard them doing it just before I left for here to meet you here. I can't wait to tell you what I heard!"

"OOOH!" Bernie finally finished her first glass of wine. She leaned in to soak in all the enticing details. "What did you hear?"

"Okay! I was coming out of my place when I heard Amy's giggle. Leonard was out with Raj and Howard to the new movie with Benedict Cumberbatch about the guy who broke the enigma code or something."

"I'm surprised Sheldon didn't go with them. I was worried we weren't going to be able to meet without inviting Amy, but I guess she was with him. Listen, Amy can never now that we met without her, right Penny?"

"Who are you telling? Besides, we are meeting to gossip about her, and exclude her, so it's like she is here!"

"Makes sense. Agreed!" Bernadette and Penny clinked their glasses, "Wait, Why didn't Sheldon go to that movie?"

"He said he if wanted to see a movie about an underappreciated genius shunned by society, he would watch Fun with Flags. Anyway. Back to Shamy. I guess it was just those two, so I was about to go over and say hi to Amy and give her some excuse why we couldn't go out, when I heard…" Penny started to blush.

"God, Penny, if it can make you blush, what the hell were they doing?"

"Hey! I can blush! Anyway, wait to you hear what I heard. I heard Sheldon moan and says, '_I should have washed my balls first_!"

"GROSS!" Bernadette almost spit out her wine.

"I know. I didn't want to open the door after I heard that. I pressed my ear against the door. Then I heard him say to her, '_Amy, keep your head down and spread your legs wider_.'"

"No way!"

"OH, it gets better. Amy says, '_I know how to spread my legs Sheldon. I do it all the time_."

"Go Amy! All the time!?"

"I know right? Then he says, "_well you never do it wide enough, come on Fowler, make those hips work for it._"

"Shut up! He said that?" Bernie slapped Penny on the arms. Penny squealed and continued.

"I know! Then Amy says, "_My hands are sweaty, I can't get a good grip_." Sheldon says to her _sorry_," Penny starts to laugh uncontrollably, "Then he says, '_my shaft is bent, it's hard to hold onto_."

Bernadette spit her wine out like a spray onto the floor. "NO WAY! His shaft?"

Penny started laughing, "Then the best one of all, Amy lets out some grunts and groans. Sheldon says to her in a condescending tone, "_I like your strong stroke, but your follow through leave a lot to be desired_."

"Oh my god! What an ass! I knew he was a fixer upper, but damn. We have got to talk to her about how he speaks to her. She deserves better than taht. She needs to that bastard in line!"

"Oh, don't worry about Ames, she's got him on a leash. She told him off about it, she says, "_Well, Sheldon if you kept you equipment in proper working order, and didn't hide it away for years for fear anyone touching it, you wouldn't have gotten off so easy_."

"Damn! Good for her! That's my girl!"

Penny leaned in, "Then Sheldon says, "_Well Amy, I got it off right away, what's your excuse_?"

"That son of bitch, I'll kill him!" Smoke was coming out of Bernadette's ears as she raged.

"Wait it gets better!" Penny giggled, "So Amy told him off some more. She said, _Sheldon, my dear, it may take me longer, but at least I know how to find the spot._"

"Oh really, so Sheldon is really the Flash in bed huh? Good thing he has that stupid costume. Sex god, my ass."

"Sex god?"

"Yeah, Stuart said, that Zack said Sheldon was a sex god!"

Penny was not expecting to hear that name tonight, "Zack? My ex?"

"Oh, I didn't tell you? Stuart ran into Zack. Mrs. Wolowitz told me that Stuart said Zack saw Sheldon buy Amy all kinds of Sex toys and tried to undress her in a store!"

"Sex toys? I don't believe it! Zack is an idiot. He probably heard it wrong."

"He's too dumb to know how to lie."

"That's true. Damn. Shelly buying sex toys. He probably thought he was at Petco or something buying a chew toy for Raj's dog."

"Chew toy, what do you mean?"

"Nevermind." Penny looked away and called the waitress over.

"Speaking of chew toy, let order something. I had to watch flesh-eating bacteria devour rodents today, and it always make me hungry."

"Ugh, between Sheldon and his clean balls, and you with your zombie bacteria, I don't want to eat anything. Anyway! Let me finish about what I heard!"

"Oh yeah, did you knock on the door? Did you walk in and find them going at it?"

"Yes on the knock, no on the walking in part... I knocked on the door. I couldn't go in because it was locked. By the way, they never lock the damn door. Anyway, there was all kinds of commotion and then Sheldon answered the door all in a huff. He was all sweaty but trying to act coy. I looked down and guess what I saw?"

"WHAT?"

"His shirt was inside out!"

"No way! Good for her getting some, but what the hell! I mean, how dare he criticize like that? Who in the hell does that lanky little know it all think he is? He was a virgin too. He lucky Amy is so patient or he would never access his stupid hind brain. Jerk."

"I love the crazy SOB, but he needs to learn how to treat her. I know he could be arrogant about a lot of things, I guess sex is no different. So I go in to the apartment, and there is Amy acting all calm reading a magazine. She didn't think I noticed but she was reading Popular Mechanics."

"Well, that's not too surprising. Amy's odd, she'll read anything."

"Upside down?"

"HA! Red handed!"

"No doubt. I asked them, "Hey guys, watch ya doing?" Sheldon just snorted at me and pushed me out the door. Some about banal chit chat, and their brilliant minds couldn't begin to explain to my level… Malarkey. I couldn't even ask Amy a thing!"

"Sex is the only thing I understand better than them!"

"Better than anyone! I mean with your real world experiences, you could get a Masters, PhD, Post Doc."

Penny rolled her eyes and glared at Bernadette, "I get it, Bernie! I get it. Anyway… Sheldon said they were busy. I have never seen him so quick to get rid of me before. Amy said something like, don't be rude, and he said, but they weren't finished. She said, well, she definitely wasn't finished, but that never seemed to bother him before."

"Oh snap!"

"I know. I got the hell outta there before I witness a Shamy throw down!" Penny finished her story and then sat back in her chair. She was starting to get angry at being left out. Didn't Amy say she was her bestie? What good is a bestie if you can't hear all the dirt? "How could she keep this a secret for so long? Its' him!" Penny glared her eyes in the distance. "It's Sheldon! He is keeping her from us."

"He's keeping her quiet. We need to get her alone, hopped up on wine, and she'll fold like a lawn chair. Then we can get the dirt. Those two need to have lesson on sex."

"Well, class is in session.

"Okay, I've had it with him! We got to ask Amy what the hell is going on!"

"I'm worried if he is there, she'll just lie about it. She has that non-disclosure clause since the Valentine's day kiss thing."

Bernadette snorted and waved off the notion, "I know, but that's stupid."

Penny agreed, "I mean of course she was going to tell us about it. It was the most exciting then that ever happened to her!"

"And what the hell, that skinny low down hypocrite. He kissed the hell outta her in front of god and everyone on that train, but he can't give her a New Year's Eve kiss?"

"I can't believe I am saying this, but maybe he wanted to make it more… you know… hot."

"Now that I know better I think he did. Still I don't like he tells her what to say to her friends."

"He's a private person. That's non-disclosure thing is his way to protect her from our teasing too, he said. Also, but she got her date night kiss outta the deal."

"She's getting more than that now. I know they are worried we are going to tease them, but damn, Sheldon has been giving Howie crap for years about his sex drive. It's time he got some of the crap thrown back in his bony little face!"

Penny thought about it, "We really need more intel. We have to go the source! We need a confrontation. Or really good cameras."

"Howie and Raj tried the camera thing on Sheldon before to catch him doing something. It won't work. He's like camera sniffing dog. Besides, I don't want to give Howie anymore of his allowance for a new camera."

A low voice floated from the darkened corner behind the ladies, "You could tell him you are going out and then try and catch them red handed or with their pants down, whatever the case may be. You have to blackmail Sheldon. It's the only way you'll get Cooper to cop to coitus."

Penny knew the voice and soon the face. Wil Wheaton appeared at the table, smiling and holding a beer. "Wil? What the hell are you doing at this bar?"

WIl held up his bottle with pride, "This place has the largest selection of IPA in the San Gabriel Valley. Ordering wine here should be a crime, by the way."

Bernadette was unimpressed with Wil's swagger, "How long have you been there eavesdropping on us?"

"The whole time. Got some great stuff for twitter, by the way."

"NO WAY! Then they'll know we are on to them!"

"Don't worry, I'm kidding. I wouldn't do that to Amy. Sheldon can suck it, but Amy a high class dame. Bitchy director though. Also, she'd also kill me."

"Yeah, she packs a mean punch."

Penny held her jaw, "And purse. But she doesn't need her sex life in cyber space. NO TWITTER, Wil!"

"Well, I agreed. I also agree with you about Sheldon and Amy pounding the punanni pavement."

"Huh?"

"Sex. If he knows her anymore in the "Biblical sense" they are going to start reading her in church. And I got the proof!"

The two ladies leaned into Wil, their new gossipy Gertie, and baited him on, "Do tell!"

"Well, the other day, I was at the new comic book store when Sheldon came in. He didn't see me at first and was looking at the stacks when his phone rang. He turned and answered. I couldn't believe what I heard, so I recorded it on my phone."

"Get outta town! Let's hear it."

"Okay, let me lead you up to this part. Sheldon answers, and says hi to Amy. He does a couple nods and says. _Well, I know you did it all the time before I came along, but you show do it the right way_. Then he tells her, _I don't care what Gerard says_."

"NO Frickin way! She told him about Gerard?"

"Yeah, that part tripped me up. Who's Gerard."

Bernie put her head down, unwilling to reveal Amy's intimate secrets, but Penny was washing in a bottle of wine, and had no compunction to dish out the dirt. "Her toothbrush."

"She named her toothbrush? Well, that makes sense later. Anyway, Sheldon tells her to put on the protection they got last week. He said well, _you better get used to the feel of Latex little lady_. That's when I got my phone out."

"OH my god, they must have been talking about the condoms from Planned Parenthood!"

Penny squealed, "I know! Play the tape… Play it!"

The three herded around WIl's phone like they were gathered around a fire listening to Christmas stories. Only this story had a little less Santa and a lot more Claws. The speakers cracked with static, then they heard Sheldon's voice loud and clear.

"_Good. I am glad you're finally listening to me. Now get on your knees. I know, its dirty, but it's the best angle. Reach down and rub around. Do it slowly, spread you fingers everywhere. Good. Can you feel it all wet? Good. Now, get your toothbrush. Yes, you should turn it on! Now make little circles. Especially around that one nub at the top. Good, I can hear you. Reach back, feel it burn off. Oh Amy, you're hurting my ears with your moaning and yelling. Was it a big one? As big as the one I had last week? Did you get it off? Good. See that's how you do it. I'll show you again in person. Next time we do it, Amy, I want to see you on your knees begging for me to teach you! Tell Gerard he's fired. Okay, glad I could help. Bye_."

"Holy sweet mother of god!" Bernadette made the sign of the cross. Penny couldn't keep her mouth closed.

"What the frack?"

"Aren't you glad I recorded that?"

"Um.I don't know…. Holy crap!" Penny was just amazed. That was worse than what Mrs. Cooper heard.

Wil Wheaton begged, "You guys have got to let me put that on YouTube!"

Both women screamed, "NO!"

"Fine! Buzz kill." Wil put away his phone and slugged back his beer. "Anyway, your problem is you will never get Sheldon to admit he is shaboinking Amy. He will fake a heart attack before he spills the beans. So, catch them at it. Penny, if you had a key to the apartment, you could have caught them. You need leverage and here it is, ladies."

"Yeah, I could have gotten leverage today if stupid Shelly didn't take away my key when I took the last of his egg nog. Jerk."

Bernadette mind was hatching a plan that would make the Battle of Britain look like a spur of the moment soiree. "Okay, Penny. Let's go. We need to gather the troops, get the bait, set the trap and wait for the "Flash" to make his appearance. Then we confront them like a cheating louse on courtroom shows."

Wil slapped his hands together, "Yeah! I want to be there."

"For this to work, we need **everyone** there. Hmm.. Time to send the rallying cry across the land. Bring your evidence to prove Shamy is knocking boots." Bernadette held up her glass and Penny tapped it then guzzled.

Penny was finally feeling the effect of the grape, "Yep! Because from what I just heard, they are churning more butter than a dairy farmer! More wine!"

Wil Wheaton shook his head, "More beer, Penny… Beer! It's not a wine bar, oh never mind…"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Just a couple notes. Wil Wheaton is known for loving IPA beers and frequents bars in the Pasadena area. Eagle Rock is small neighborhood of Los Angeles between Glendale and Pasadena.**

**Thanks to MPHS95 for help with the chapter. She helped me be nicer to Penny and Bernadette. I've been told I was a little hard on the gals. **

**What do you think? And what's gonna on? Leave your guess below. I loved to hear them! **


	8. Chapter 8

**Hearsay Evidence Presentation: Part I**

* * *

><p>It was akin to the labors of Hercules getting Amy and Sheldon to meet that week. Finally, a night was set for the confrontation.<p>

The group agreed to meet a non-public location of Los Robles Avenue. They hoped Sheldon and Amy would divulge more and with any luck, tell all the salacious details. Also, Howard hoped there might be visual aids, which would be inappropriate for the Cheesecake Factory, which was Leonard's first choice. No one asked IF they should confront the couple, so much as how they were going to confront them. There was a lively debate over how to extract the confessions.

Bernadette, Howard and Wil Wheaton wanted to catch them in the act with cameras and hidden mics. There was talk of renting a projector to show clips of the couple doing the deed. Wil had dibs on the footage for his internet show.

Penny had the old standby of getting Amy and Sheldon drunk on Long Island Iced teas in order to loosen their lips. Then Penny wanted to tie Sheldon up and surround him with dirty socks and say ofTen with a T to get him to crack.

Stuart wanted to threaten Sheldon with a dunk tank and his prize comics. The tank would be empty of course because Stuart couldn't bare the idea of the comics getting wet, but Sheldon wouldn't know that.

Emily wanted to kidnap Amy, have Sheldon fight through a maze of knives and traps that could only be opened if he revealed a secret. In the end, Amy would be saved only if they agreed to do the deed right there in the final chamber.

Mrs. Cooper wanted to take him to church and get Jesus to reveal the truth, through the swift hand of God's redemption upside the head.

Raj wanted to have Bollywood dance off and have Sheldon and Amy reenact a scene from Raj's favorite movie. But the gang told him there was no way anyone would agree to that, and besides, they couldn't rent an elephant on such short notice.

Leonard was the voice of reason. He said the group should do the unthinkable: Just ask them. He also had the crazy thought they wouldn't want to be confronted in front of the other gender so they should ask their questions in separate locations, separating Amy and Sheldon. Everyone agreed, begrudgingly.

Amy attended her impromptu girl's night and the boys gathered at Sheldon's apartment. Leonard brought him home to find Kripke, Stuart, Howard, and Raj. Leonard didn't allow Zack to come, as much as Stuart begged. Bert was not allowed in the apartment per roommate agreement section 10 paragraph 4: No persons whom have hit on one's girlfriends are ever allowed entrance to the apartment. (There was a special exception made for Raj and Howard. ) Wil Wheaton was coming later.

"Oh dear lord, what fresh hell is this? There are more people in the room than the fire marshal will allow." Sheldon looked over the scene in horror. Sheldon turned with fierier rage toward his soon to be ex roommate, "Leonard, the roommate agreement clearly states that any hootenannies, parties or other gatherings must be approved of in advance and must be concluded before 10 PM. When are you all gonna leave?"

Leonard was gracious and in a calm voice said, "Sheldon, sit down, there are some things everyone wants to ask you." Sheldon made his way through the crowd to his customary spot on the leather couch.

Sheldon looked around confused by the eager faces focused on him, "I know what this is about." Sheldon smiled and lent back on the couch, "You all have finally realized I was right all along about Superman's feat of strength and the fact that Lois Lane would be cut in thirds. It took 8 years, but here we are! Look, I could send you an email outlining this concept, but like so many things, you really should just take my word as gospel. It will save you a lot of time and embarrassment."

Howard rolled his eyes. He knew it was going to be a long night, "No Sheldon we have questions about your bedroom activities."

"If you all have questions, I'm not surprised. I'm a genius in so many things and the bedroom is no exception." Sheldon smiled, "Okay, I let you in on the secret…" Sheldon leaned in toward the middle of the room. All five guys did as well with baited breath. "The secret to a good night's sleep? Warm milk and heating pad. I know it's old school, but I can get to sleep in 45 seconds. A minute in a half if I watched the scary scene of Raiders. You guys should try it!"

Kripke rolled his eyes. He only came to hear the juicy details of Sheldon's sex life, "No, Cwooper! We're talking about sex! I heard fwrom Leslie Winkle you were making out in the office!"

Sheldon eyes popped open and shot a confused look at Kripke. "Leslie Winkle? Making what out?"

"Not what! Who?"

"You mean whom?"

"AMY!" All five guys jeered at Sheldon.

Sheldon scanned his memory banks and then gave a look of recognition. "Oh, the day of the fundraiser! Amy had on her fancy purple cardigan and I had the grey suit. She was helping me with my tie. Leslie walked in when she was adjusting it." Sheldon realized what the guys were asking after all, "I was not making out with Amy! I guess she left that part out about the tie?"

"Um, yeah she left that out Cwooper!"

"Did she also leave out the part where she was eviscerated by Amy?" Sheldon was beaming with pride as he told the story, "Oh you should have heard Amy rip her sheds. It was poetry. You guys should have seen Amy. She made a hornet look cuddly." Before Sheldon could say anymore, Amy came bursting through the apartment door yelling back toward Penny's place:

Amy scream at the hall, "I told you! I won't talk about it without Sheldon! Now back off before I remind you why I'm on the no fly list!"

Sheldon swallowed and looked at his fuming girlfriend, "HEY, she looked like that!"

Amy almost ran to the couch and glared at Howard to get out of her spot. He cowered down and scuttled off the floor. Amy sat down with a slump and looked at Sheldon with a quivering lip. She was shaking. Sheldon quickly grabbed her hand. "What in the devil is going on? Amy are you okay?"

"No, Sheldon I'm not. Our so called friends thought it was a good idea to grill me on our sex life!"

"Excuse me?" Sheldon sprung up ready for a fight. Amy was shaking and glowering at the four women who had rushed in to the apartment. Bernadette was holding an open lap top.

"Amy, we're sorry but Emily said…." Penny slumped down on the arm of the beige couch next to Leonard. Bernadette and Emily sat on the chairs next to their dates. Everyone's eyes were on Amy and Sheldon.

Amy cut off what Penny was saying, "Yeah, they said I gave you a hickey!"

Sheldon looked at Amy with shock, "I'm sorry, what?"

Emily spoke up, "Your subcutaneous ecchymosis. It's a hickey! I told you that!"

Sheldon subconsciously held his neck where the spot used to be and almost growled at Emily, "This is not a hickey! Not what you think!"

"Look pal, I'm a dermatologist. I know what a hickey looks like."

"Well, someone should take your medical license away. First off, have you heard of patient doctor confidentiality?" All eyes were on Emily. It was then that everyone realized that she really did violate his rights by revealing his diagnosis. Emily seemed un-phased.

"Of course I have! I've been to medical school! You have to have harm from the disclosure. You're fine, you baby."

"Oh so you don't think that having all my friends sit around accusing me of what you said isn't causing harm? Guess again… _Doctor_! If I can even call you that! You should go back for a refresher course from that medical school. You may have your school yard names for subcutaneous ecchymosis, but it doesn't explain the cause."

Emily crossed her arms over her chest and cocked her head with smug grin, "What is the cause?"

Sheldon mirrored her actions, "You're the doctor, can you think of any other explanation?"

Amy turned and whispered to Sheldon, "You don't owe them an explanation, Sheldon. Just leave it."

"No, I want to show her she is wrong!" Sheldon glared at Emily, "I guess they don't explain in skin doctor school that correlation does not imply causation. Here is your causation: Amy knew I was upset about my barber being on medical leave, AGAIN! She order this thing off the internet called a Flowbee. It cuts your hair with a vacuum attachment. The results were, let's say, less than favorable."

"What about the scratches I saw? And Amy wearing a turtle neck?"

Amy winced remembering the tool, "I tried it out on myself first. I accidently caught it in my hair, and cut my neck when I had to use a scissors to remove it. That should have been my first clue it wouldn't work." Amy pulled her hair around her neck and showed where a chuck of hair was missing from near her neck.

Sheldon pointed to Amy's hair, "There! No hickeys! Just a haircut malfunction."

Amy chuckled, "And far too much wine while watching late night infomercials…" Amy looked away from Sheldon's disapproving gaze.

Stuart popped in the conversation, "Was it also too much wine talking when you bought over 500 bucks worth of lingerie for Amy?"

Both Amy and Sheldon looked at each other in horror and then back at Stuart, "How in the hell do you…"

Before they could answer, Howard popped in, "You told me it was sex toys!"

"No, I said lingerie and sex toys. You should learn to listen, Howard." Stuart looked up in disgust.

Howard seethed at Stuart, "I did listen, Stuart. You just told it wrong! You also said he took off her bra in the store!"

Amy raised her voice to cut off the cat fight between Stuart and Howard, "HOLD IT! What in the hell are you two talking about? Sheldon didn't buy me 500 bucks of anything, let along sex toys and lingerie! He certainly didn't take off my bra! Where are you…" Amy smiled and snapped her fingers, "Oh… dumb Zack…"

Sheldon tapped his head remembering, "Ahh… that was the day we were shopping for Pen.."

Amy cut him off, "Shhh!"

"What shhh? Tell me!" Penny sat up. She knew her name even when only the first 3 letters were out.

Sheldon looked at Amy and she shrugged her shoulders, "It's out now. Might as well..."

Sheldon looked to Stuart and Howard and started with a lecture tone, "First off, it was only 150 dollars and Amy and I were supposed to split it." He turned to Amy and whined, "I really don't see why I have to pay for a bachelorette gift **and** a bridal shower. It seems redundant."

"I told you why, Sheldon! Besides you owed me for your little stunt in the store..." Amy crossed her arms over her chest while Sheldon looked down and blushed.

Penny shook her finger at Sheldon, "HA! Caught you! You did take off Amy's bra in 8 seconds."

"I unsnapped it only, and it was 3 seconds, thank you very much." Sheldon smiled till her saw Amy's face. He quickly added, "And as I quickly learned, completely inappropriate, even if you wanted to give a demonstration on the quickest method to undo a nursing bra."

Amy looked over to Sheldon, "I told you, Penny doesn't want a nursing bra demonstration at her bridal shower."

Penny looked horrified, "I really don't. I mean like… really don't."

"Fine! Live in ignorance. When I explained my new found technique to my sister she seemed receptive. I don't see why you all are so special that you couldn't be enlightened by my brilliance."

Kripke chimed in, thoroughly annoyed with the banter, "Can we get back to the sex toys, please. Lwike the rwocket?"

Amy snapped at Kripke, which shut him up, "We didn't buy any sex toys! God! What kind of gift do you think we got for Penny?"

Leonard finally spoke up, "I don't know. A few toys wouldn't be so bad…"

Sheldon looked completely annoyed, "No toys! Just over priced lacy things that Penny won't keep on long enough to get the money's worth outta of them anyway. If Alex was a REAL personal assistant, would have just bought it all, we could have avoided the whole mess."

"Again, Sheldon. We talked about how getting your assistant to buy lingerie is completely inappropriate! Mrs. Davis agreed."

"Well, if you would have done my idea, which was practical, educational and informative. But it was rejected!" Sheldon snorted and looked at Amy.

Amy was exasperated by the repeat of the conversation she had with him too many times before, "Pamphlets from Planned Parenthood, demonstrations on condom application and samples of birth control pills are completely unsuitable gifts for a bridal shower, Sheldon. We discussed this at length!"

"I don't see why not. I mean, family planning is critical stage of any premarital contract."

"And about four years late! They have been having sex for a while now. They don't need a lecture about birth control from you before their wedding!"

"Well, I don't want to be Uncle so soon. They need to be careful!" Amy and Sheldon were bunting back and forth so much, they didn't realize they were in a room surrounded by people till Penny spoke up.

Penny snapped at Sheldon, "Sheldon, it's none of your business!"

Sheldon didn't miss a beat, "Right back at ya, Sister!" Penny got up to get a glass of wine. It was going to be a long evening.

Bernadette looked at Howard, "THAT'S why they were at Planned Parenthood! They weren't getting ready for a baby!"

"A baby ?!" Both Amy and Sheldon looked at each other in horror.

"Yeah. Howie's mother thinks family planning mean you two are Planning a Family. She is so excited about your baby, she is starting to knit booties and little sleeping caps with comic book heroes. She almost has the Flash done, and she started on Superman!"

Amy looked mortified and checked to see if Sheldon had passed out. Surprisingly, he was still conscious.

Sheldon asked, "You mean like little red boots with a lightening bolts?"

"Yeah, and matching caps with the symbol on the head."

Amy snapped at Sheldon, "THAT"S YOUR TAKE AWAY?" Sheldon looked around and bit his lip.

Raj squealed in delight, "Oh that sounds delightful!"

Bernadette grumbled, "Yeah, fricking adorable! She thinks Amy would make a better daughter in law than me, by the way!" Bernadette eyes were like lasers on Howard.

"Hey, I can't help it Amy charmed the pants off of her with her cookies and babies. Thanks Amy! Now if I don't pop out a kid, I'm just the useless Shikse that her baby boy is schuping!"

"Speaking of pants… Cwooper! Doing some horizontal hustle at the office with no pants.. Nice!" Kripke raised his beer to Sheldon, but Sheldon looked completely confused.

"Good, god, Kripke, what are you imagining now?" Sheldon pulled his shirt from his neck. He had explained to Amy his braggart conversation with Kripke, but the confession was not well received. He was awarded his first Amy Farrah Fowler strike and had to take HER class. He didn't want a repeat of that.

Kripke hadn't a clue all the things Sheldon said to him weren't true. But he had new information, "Mrs. Davis told me all about it. So did Amy's boyfriend, Bert."

"BERT IS NOT HER BOYFRIEND!" Sheldon voice rumbled through the apartment loud enough for Penny to come running from across the hall still holding the unopened wine.

"Ooh, are you getting to the office sex part?" Penny unscrewed the cap on the wine and poured a glass.

"What office sex? What are you talking about?!" Sheldon was confused and annoyed.

Kripke told his tale, "Mrs. Davis said she caught you coming out the basement all sweaty and you were asking Alwex questions about a woman's flwexablity.." Kripke raised his eyes brows and sucked in his lower lip as he leered at Amy. Sheldon was enraged.

Sheldon snapped at Kripke, "Quit looking at her!" Amy smiled at him. Sheldon softened his gaze and spoke to her, "Mrs. Davis is completely misunderstanding the situation, yet again. God that woman is clueless, isn't she?"

Amy tapped Sheldon's leg, "Don't worry about it. You're allowed to have secrets, Sheldon. Tell them nothing."

Sheldon smiled and glowered to the group, "Yes, nothing! It's none of your bee's wax anyway, you nosy nellies!"

Kripke was crest fallen, "Wait, what about the kinky sexy time tapes, Cwooper? You told me about them during fwun fwith Flwags!?"

Sheldon looked away, but Amy screeched like a banshee, " KINKY SEXY TIME TAPES?!"

Sheldon swallowed, "Kripke, there are no kinky sexy time tapes. It was something else."

The whole room let out a collective groan of disenchantment.

Amy glared at Sheldon," Strike two, Sheldon…" Sheldon swallowed hard, but smiled when he saw glint of sympathy in Amy's voice, "Tell him nothing!"

"Wait, no sex tapes? No sex toys? No rwocket?"

"Sorry, Kripke…" Amy shrugged her shoulders and smiled smugly at Kripke.

"I'm outta here!" Kripke got up to leave, and was met a new face at the door just as he was exiting the room. Wil Wheaton arrived with a six pack of IPA and a huge smile, "Hey guys, I didn't miss the sex tape part did I?"

The entire group shot back to Wil Wheaton with a shout dripping with bitter disappointment. "There are no sex tapes!"

Just then a voice laden with a heavy Texas accent crackled over the lap top speakers, "Good! I don't think I could hear that again out of my little boy's mouth!"

Sheldon eyes bugged out of his head when he finally noticed the lap top on the table. Bernadette turned it to show Sheldon a perfect view of a smiling woman.

"MOTHER?" Sheldon voiced raised as high a screeching teen age girl. "Are you in on this too?"

"Yes, dear. Now let's get to the carpet cleaning part, shall we honey? I got to go to church social tonight and I need to pick up some potato salad on the way."

"Oh dear Lord…"

"Watch that mouth, son…"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Sorry for the cliff hanger, folks. I had to break it up into two chapters. It was too long. I wont make you wait, though. **

** What do you think so far? Most will be revealed in next chapter. I might have an epilogue. I will ask you about it when it is done.**

**Kripke had to go. Two reasons, One, he would taint the proceeding with false information and two, he's too hard to write. I hope you wont miss him. **


	9. Chapter 9

**Hearsay Evidence Presentation Part 2**

**or the Grapevine Gives up only Sour Grapes and lot of Whine**

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><p>Sheldon was bellowing at his unsympathetic mother on the screen, "<strong>Mother<strong>! What is name of all that's holy are you doing with this juvenile inquisition?"

"Oh son, 'All that's holy' has nothin' to do with what I heard on the computer that night, Shelly."

"What night, mother, to what are you referring?"

"The last time you were on Skype with me? Remember? I was telling you about crazy ol' Gladys down at the Piggy Wiggy. You know, the one who's as tall as she is wide. Well, she found this fella, she but turns out, not a fella after all!"

"Oh, god, not that story again, mother. Yes, and Gladys is very happy.. The end... Of course I remember, why do you even ask? I was on Skype, I hung up when Amy came over."

"Uh, yeah, son, ya didn't…"

"I didn't?

"You heard…" Sheldon gulped and looked at Amy, "Everything?"

"Everything son… Including you telling her to lick the tip and take it all in! You know Oral sex, is still sex, right hon? Don't believe what that louse Bill Clinton tells ya. It's still a sin, if you're not married! Afterward ya'all get married, well, more power to ya!"

Amy put her face in hands and let out a moan, Sheldon eyes took up half the surface area on his face. "MOTHER! For god sake! Jesus!"

"You watch that tone now, boy! I'm fine with you doodling your little girlfriend over there cause I'm praying ya'll gonna get married soon before we need them baby booties from Howard's mother. But, you listen to me now. I won't abide to taking the lord's name in vain, son. No siree."

"Sorry, ma'am."

Amy shot up, "Mrs. Cooper, hold on, let me see if I can clear this up. Amy stood up, took off her sweater and handed to Sheldon. She immediately went to the kitchen and start fussing around. Sheldon looked smug as he watched her work. The whole room was silent. Amy curled her finger up to Sheldon and he ran over to the kitchen. She handed him a glass baking pan. They both came over to the living room and were out of view of the computer.

"SHELDON! I don't have all night!" Mrs. Cooper was looking at her watch wishing she stopped at the Piggy Wiggy for Potato salad before this SKype call.

"Sorry, Mrs. Cooper. Is what you heard sound a little like this?" Mary Cooper heard the same sounds of a woman getting pleasured coming from the room.

"Sweet lord a'mercy, they're doing it again, in front of everyone!"

Amy snapped, "Sheldon, I told you, spread it more. I know you hate it slippery, but it's worth it! Oh my you do have strong fingers."

"Sweet Jesus, don't forsake us! He's doing it to her again." Mary Cooper held her chest as she listened to the sounds that made her mother's heart ache.

"Oh, Sheldon, don't be so coy. You have to hit it harder or you won't get it to work!" Mrs. Cooper heard the same slapping sounds. The whole group moaned and rolled their eyes. Mrs. Cooper was still clueless.

"What in tarnation is going on?"

Leonard leaned over the computer and told Mrs. Cooper finally, "It's nothing Mrs. Cooper, their making a cake or something. Sheldon is slapping the side of pan so the flour can get around the sides, Amy is mixing the cake batter."

Sheldon shook his head at his ignorant friend, "Brownie batter, thank you very much! We had a brownie making contest. The results have yet to be determined!"

Amy scoffed, "HA! I totally had you, Sheldon! My brownies were orgasmic perfection! You even said so!"

Sheldon cocked his head to side and gave her a haughty look, "I said they were good, not what you just said."

Amy smirked at him, "Yours were burned. I told you not to put it in oven so quick!"

"You're the one who was impatient! You had to lick the spoon. Making a mess, I might add!"

"Well, you wouldn't let me just take a taste, I had to eat the whole spoon and lick it clean!"

"You were going to make a mess on the counter!" Sheldon placed the pan on the counter and washed his hands. Amy and Sheldon continued to banter about brownies while the group moaned again in defeat. "You took it out too soon!"

"Yeah, because you were going to burn them with your strict adherence to the recipe. Mine were melt in your mouth perfect. Like my figgy pudding I might add! So neerer neerer!

Raj held his stomach, "If they are better than that pudding, I want brownies now. Amy are you going to finish?"

Sheldon scolded him with a stiff finger of justice pointed at his disappointed face, "NO BROWNIES for you, or anyone!" Sheldon moved back to the computer, Amy continued in the kitchen finishing off the batch. "See mother? You should have said something instead of rubbernecking in on our contest!"

"Well, I'm sorry honey, but what I heard next was not brownies, let me tell you. Besides I heard you tell Amy you saw here naked before! Can't mistake that for brownies!"

Sheldon waved his hand and shook his head, "I saw Amy naked when I gave her a bath when she was sick, Mother!"

The whole group gasped at what Sheldon said. The girls knew the tale of Sheldon sponge bath that was given from a ruse and not lust. They were unimpressed. Mary Cooper however, did not know the story, and felt the need to education her naïve son, "Hon, giving your girlfriend a bath naked is a short road to sinning."

Amy had finished with the brownies and leaned her head in the frame, "It really wasn't Mrs. Cooper. That was like two years ago and was **not** the road to sinning, let me tell you." Amy shot Sheldon a look and he looked away with a blush. "Anyway, what we did after that is none of anyone business. I'm sorry Mrs. Cooper, not even yours! Sheldon doesn't want to tell anyone!"

Mrs. Cooper sat up, ready for a fight, "Look dear, until you marry that boy, you can't tell him what to do. That's my job!"

"I am not telling him what to do. I am listening to what he asked me to do. He doesn't want to discuss it. And I won't! I listen to what he wants regardless of my own needs, because I love him. It's more than I can say for this group!" Amy looked around with a renewed rage, "You have no business bothering him. Sheldon is a private person and you all know that. Quit badgering him! He doesn't want to discuss it, so leave him alone!" Amy was shaking with rage, but the warm hand on her arm distracted her.

"It's okay Amy. I don't care now."

"But Sheldon, I made you a promise!"

"And you kept it! It's my choice to tell them. If you busy bodies must know, I was teaching Amy how to play a game. It is what we were doing in the basement. It was why I asked Alex about a woman's flexibility. I told Mrs. Davis we were exercising!"

Mrs Cooper was still not buying it, "Hon, I know this may be hard for you to hear from you mother, but I know what sex sounds like. And you two were going at it like a sailor on shore leave! Counting and slapping each other like you was having who can have the biggest orgasm contest! Sounds like 50 Shades of Sheldon Cooper up in there!"

"MOTHER!" Sheldon had a new shade of red on his face now.

Penny chimed in, "Well, sweetie, it's true. I heard you were getting Amy naked, having her put on some sexy outfit and then riding her like a mechanical bull at the honky tonk. You even said her hands were like magic."

Sheldon batted Penny's words away, "Oh, I tell her that all the time! The Magic thing, not the bull thing."

"HA! You are doing it! I knew it!" Penny was so pleased she slapped Leonard on the shoulder. He winced and asked Sheldon, "What were you guys doing?"

"A game, I told you." Sheldon looked away.

Emily spoke up loudly, "What game involves a whip, counting and slapping sounds, cause I want to play it!"

Sheldon looked down took a deep breath, and then raised his eyes up and said flatly, "Hacky Sack."

"HACKY SACK?"

Mary snorted and let out a short laugh, "Oh, that! You've been playing that for years, hon. Did you ever get past 43 times?"

Sheldon seemed elated to talk about now, "No mother, but Amy did! She was all over the map at first, she even managed to kick me in the shin. That's what you heard, mother. Amy is master over the central nervous system, so she rubbed the pain away. Anyway, after the risk of injury was abated by moving the furniture, she picked it right away. She is a natural once you get her out of her skirt."

Amy shook her head and put it in her hands. Mary started laughing, "See, hon. That's what's gettin' you in trouble here. You sayin' stuff like that and people mis-hearing it."

Amy had enough, "No, Mrs. Cooper. What is getting Sheldon in trouble is has nosy friends who can't let him have any secrets without giving him the third degree." Amy pointed around the room with a renewed ire, "You all mock him constantly. Why on earth would he share something like that with you? He had one thing he liked to do. He was kind enough to let me in on it, because he knew I wouldn't ridicule him. He couldn't say that from you people. He made me promise I wouldn't tell anyone."

Bernadette piped in, "Is that what you were doing when I saw you all sweaty in the back seat?"

"No, Howard's car is a stick shift, so I was showing Sheldon how to drive a manual transmission. We were in the front seat while we waited for you."

Howard chimed in, "Why didn't you just ask me?"

"HA! You wouldn't let him near your front seat after the parking spot thing. Don't worry, I was in the driver seat. I just wanted to show him the foot work, we never put the car in gear. But he became too nervous that you guys would make fun of him, he pushed me out of the car, and I ripped my shirt on the door handle. Your ridicule of him is very hurtful. He doesn't trust you and after tonight, I think he is right not to!"

Mrs. Cooper started to laugh uncontrollably. "Good, lord Amy, you are a saint! I love a feisty woman who defends her man! You keep on doing what you're doing, I gotta get to my meetin'! Oh, and I'll send you a brownie recipe that will bring Sheldon to his knees!" Mary added quickly when she saw Amy blushing face, "But not in the sinning way I thought before. Although, after he eats these brownies, he might just be sinning after all!"

"MOTHER!"

"Oh, hush up, Shelly. Amy deserves a little turn around the rodeo with a prize bull! Loosen you up a little!"

"**MOTHER**!"

"Gotta go folks! Have fun, and be nice to my boy. Bye ya'all!"

There was a chorus around the room with various good byes and Mary Cooper was gone. As soon as the lap top closed, Sheldon shifting eyes were directed toward Leonard, "YOU CALLED MY MOTHER?!"

Leonard put his hands up in defense, "Hey, she called me, pal! She wanted me to give you _the talk_!"

"From what I heard, Shelly should be giving the talk!" Penny raised her eyes at Amy and licked her lips, "Except for his bent shaft, he seems to know how to handle himself. Ames, you lucky girl!"

Sheldon rolled her eyes, "Oh dear lord, will it never end! What are you talking about now?"

Penny almost jumped with glee to have her chance. She was sure she had the damning evidence that would prove once and for all as Penny put it, "Shamy was doing the deed! "

"Well, the other day, I heard you guys. I was outside the door, and Sheldon was…"

Sheldon held his chest, "Wait, you were listening to Amy and I at the door? Like a common spy? Who are you, the NSA?"

"Oh, I'm much better than the NSA!"

"Yeah, not a compliment, Penny!" Leonard offered, but Penny brushed him off.

"Well, I had to listen at the door cause the damn thing was locked!"

"That should have been your first clue to stay away, you nosey parker!"

"Well, you never lock the door, Sheldon! Anyway, thank god it was locked, or I would have walked in while Amy was washing your balls and you were spreading her legs!"

The rest of the room gasped and looked at Sheldon and Amy. They couple looked at each other with a blank expression and then just busted out laughing. The rest of the room was not amused.

Sheldon said between breaths, "Leave it to Penny to think an innocuous game is sex. My god, woman."

"Imagine if we were playing twister! Then she would have something to talk about!" Amy was holding her stomach from laughing.

"Fine! What in the hell did I hear, and don't tell me you were making mac and cheese or something!"

"Golf, Penny. Sheldon was teaching me golf. I have to go on a fundraising trip and the president of the University plays golf. He thought if we were to play with the donors, we would get bigger donations. I never played, so Sheldon showed me the basics." Amy laughed as she went over to the oven and took out the brownies. Raj let out a whimper when he smelled the heavenly aroma.

"GOLF! I should have known!" Leonard sat back, "That's why you asked for help with the storage unit! You wanted to get the clubs!"

"Yes. It's been a while since I used them. A futile game that is a complete waste of land, water…"

Amy added quickly, "and ugly material used to make golf pants." Sheldon glowered at her.

Amy smiled and handed Sheldon a fresh baked brownie with a smile. The rest of the group got a dirty look, "I don't know, Amy. I did pretty well, right?"

"Yes, Sheldon, the pair you made me are great!" Amy walked away before he could see her twitch.

Howard chimed in, "Wait, you made Amy golf pants?"

Sheldon finished his brownie bite and swallowed, "Of course. You know I am a master of the sewing arts and tailoring. Remember our Riddler costumes? Same pattern. Except Amy's hips are much wider. Like so much wider!"

Amy rolled her eyes, "He gets it Sheldon." She handed him a glass of milk, hoping he would be quiet. It didn't work.

Sheldon ignored her and continued to explain, "Her waist is small, so it's hard to get the fit right. I had to do some careful measurements…" Amy cut him off.

"They get it, Sheldon." Amy low tone and eye movement finally broke Sheldon from his rant.

"Oh, yes sorry."

Penny taped her wine glass, "Okay hold up! Why were you all nervous, Amy? And you were out of breath, huh? You guys were doing it! Like rabbits! Admit it!"

Amy let out an exasperated sigh and slumped her shoulders, "First off, Penny. Rabbits don't have that much sex! They just have lots of little bunnies. You want to say you are having lots of sex, say like lions. The do the deed every 15 minutes sometimes three times a week!"

Penny was impressed, "Really? Roar!"

Amy smiled, "Yes, roar indeed. To explain the disarray, I had on my new golf pants and I didn't want anyone to see me in them."

"Why?"

Amy said softly, "Because they are not the most flattering, frankly."

Sheldon look hurt, "Hey! They aren't for men to ogle you posterior I don't care how much money your lab needs! They are for making a smooth follow through swings and hearing that wonderful, PING sound. Not for a fashion show!"

Amy mumbled, "That's for sure…"

"Was that what you had on when Mrs. Cooper heard you getting dressed?"

"No, Amy bought an outfit for Hacky Sack practice. First time I've seen her in pants." Sheldon looked over and smiled at Amy, who turned a lovely shade of red. The touching moment was shattered by Wil Wheaton voice.

"Well, folks. All your hearsay arguments are moot. I have direct evidence which is indisputable! None of this 'he said, she said' crap. I got the dirt straight from the horse's mouth! Or Sheldon's as the case may be!" Wil Wheaton was a smug as lottery winner. Sheldon crossed his arms defiantly.

"Do your worst, Wheaton!

"HA! You won't be so confident when you hear what I have on my phone!

Amy looked horrified. A hush fell over the room. The two men eyed each other like gun slingers at the Ok Corral. Howard started to whistle the theme to Good the Bad and Ugly, but Sheldon shot him dead to rights, "NO WHISTLING! FIRST WARNING!"

"Fine! Kill Joy!"

Wil gave a devious smile and said, "Oh, from what I heard, he is anything but, right Amy?"

Sheldon put his arm across Amy like a shield, "You leave her out of this, Wil Wheaton!"

"Oh I wish I could. Should I play it? What I heard you say to her? Afterwards, we should check her knees for rug burns."

Amy breathed fire through her nose. The rest of the group thought that was little too far as well. Raj was the first to say anything, "Hey! Uncool dude. Even if they are making sweet tender love, they don't need to be inspected to prove it!"

"I don't know how tender it was, but is sure sounded sweet. Let me play it for you." Wil Wheaton pulled out his phone and played the recording. The rest of the group hadn't heard the original tape, just hearsay from Penny and Bernadette. The group was gasping at some of the phrasing, like on your knees, getting dirty and when the name Gerard was heard, the women in the group looked at Amy. Amy face was emotionless. Sheldon was a blank as well. When Wil was done, he pressed the button with a little too much enthusiasm and let out a smug snort.

Sheldon sat up in his spot with a hardened expression. Amy sat up as well and looked at Sheldon with a narrow gaze. They seemed to almost communicate telepathically. Sheldon smiled and looked over to Amy's arm and gave her nod. "Do it!"

Amy unbuttoned the sleeve on her blouse and rolled it up. There on her arm was a large burn with a spattering of smaller burn marks. She lowered her head and growled at Wil Wheaton, "Oven cleaner."

Wil Wheaton did know what to say, "_What_? Oven cleaner?"

Emily came over and looked at Amy's arm, "Yep, she's right. Oven Cleaner. I see this all the time, use a topical antibacterial cream."

Amy smiled at Emily and addressed the group, "Yes, Sheldon was teaching me how to clean an electric oven. I heard from Chef Gerard DeMonico, that one should not clean an electric oven with oven cleaner. It disturbed the taste of the food."

"And I told you that French chef may know how to make 40 different sauces from fish eggs and snail guts, but he doesn't know clean. The toothbrush helped, huh?"

"Yes it did, thank you."

Sheldon looked worried at Amy's arm, "I should have bought you longer gloves. Forgive me."

"its fine, Sheldon. It just hurt at first. "

"I know, I had the same burn the week before. Really smarts huh?" Sheldon took her arm and rolled down her sleeve to re-button her blouse. Sheldon was unknowingly showing the group his nurturing side that they had rarely, if ever, had seen. Sheldon finished with the sleeve and ran his hand down her arm, for a brief moment with a tender smile. Amy blushed, and tucked her hair behind her ear. Then she looked up to Sheldon with such loving eyes, the group felt they were watching something very special. That's when it hit them, especially Leonard. They had no business prying into someone's personal life, especially a couple as private as Sheldon and Amy.

"Folks, we need to go. Let's give them a moment alone."

Sheldon demeanor changed in an instant, and he sat up like a lion ready to pounce, "Oh really, Leonard? 'Let's give them a minute alone.' What in the devil was all this then? You all assumed you knew everything about us. You know nothing. You know what they say, Assumption is the mother of…"

Amy cut him off, "Assumption is the mother of the Bitch SLAP! If you really thought we were engaging in coitus, do you think we would want you all to be asking us about it in this manner? You are our friends? Really? I don't have much experience with friends, but I know real ones don't pull this crap. Oh and Wil, I want to see YOUR knees after you BEG me for forgiveness for your crass comments. You people need to get a clue. We are not here for your amusement."

Howard had almost a whine as he tried to justify his actions, "Sheldon razed us all the time about sex! He said he was above it and we were lesser men for wanting it."

"Oh Howard please. You used women as your personal sperm bank for years. Sheldon was right, you were ruled by your hind brain. Now that you are in love, and married, would you like it I spread all the details of your bedroom activities like some Yenta? I think not!"

Sheldon stood up, "Here's what's going to happen. Not only does everyone in this room have a three strikes from ME, you also have three strikes from Amy Farrah Fowler. You are all on probation as friends."

"Sheldon! That's harsh, we didn't mean anything by it! We just wanted to know what was happening!"

"Here's an idea! ASK! For now, just get out. We will be discussing the inappropriate, rude, callous.."

"Disrespectful, mean, cruel…"

"Disgusting and frankly juvenile behavior at the class. Wheaton, hand over your phone." Wil slumped over to Sheldon and he deleted the recording. "Okay, every one. Get out! Before I sic Amy on you!"

No one moved fast enough, "Now git!" Sheldon shoo'd them all out.

Each one gave an apology as they left.

Bernadette and Howard were the first to go, "Sorry for the trouble, guys. You can borrow Howie's car anytime to learn to drive stick." Howard looked at Bernadette in horror, "Bernie!" Oh stifle it Howard, he probably drives better than you anyway!"

Next was Wil Wheaton, "Sheldon, I'm sorry man. Are we still friends?"

Sheldon arched his head up, "We'll see. I have to check with Amy. But yes. Amy… not so much…"

Next Emily and Raj made their goodbyes, "Sheldon and Amy, I am sorry for divulging your condition to the group."

"Take it up with the Medical Board, Emily."

Raj smiled at Amy, "He sure loves you, Amy."

"I know Rajesh. Don't let them talk you into this kind of thing again. You're too much of a romantic."

"Good bye, guys." Raj walked down with Emily. Emily asked, "Do you really think he will report me to the board."

Raj swallowed and looked back, "Let's just say, don't miss the class, okay?"

Stuart was the next to leave.

"You've been quiet this evening, Stuart. Nothing else to add to this farce?"

"Well, I just wish I had a group of people so interested in my sex life that they made an evening out of it.

Amy whispered to Sheldon, "_He has a point_." Sheldon scoffed.

Stuart added as he went out the door, "Oh and I still want to learn that bra thing! Enjoy your night!"

Next person was Penny, "Look guys, you know I love you right?"

Amy let out a sigh, "Yes, Penny. It's hard to be mad at you."

Sheldon looked over to Amy, "No actually, it's quiet easy. I've done it for years!" Sheldon scrunched up his face when Penny gave him a kiss on the cheek.

Last person out was Leonard. He walked sheepishly over to Sheldon with his head held low. "Sorry buddy, I should have known better."

"Yes you should have, Leonard. You always seemed to be the voice of reason. I think you need an extra class."

"Well, I will stay out of your affairs, real or imaginary from now on. You too, Amy. I'm sorry we embarrassed you."

Amy grinned and Leonard started to walk out of the apartment.

He stopped suddenly, and turned to Sheldon, "So wait! We never asked, are you guys having sex?"

"Good night, Leonard. Oh, and you are banned from the apartment for 3 days."

Leonard wailed, "Three Days?!"

"Yes roommate agreement section 13 paragraph 6; when a roommate makes a complete ass of himself by assuming scandalous things about the other roommate without A. checking with said roommate or B. Giving him a heads up about his fiancé's dumb plan, the roommate in question will be banished for an amount of time no less than 3 days! See ya!" Sheldon slammed the door and locked the dead bolt. He could hear Leonard moaning outside the hall, "_There is no section like that in the roommate Agreement! I need my clothes!"_

Sheldon smug smile couldn't be contained, even with his biting his bottom lip. He watched Amy blossom a huge smug grin on her face. She took a bite from her own brownie and smiled. Sheldon walked toward her slowly, like a large cat stalking his prey.

Amy brushed her hair off her shoulder, and smirked at Sheldon, "So, three days exile for Leonard? Kind of punitive, don't you think?"

"Not at all. Besides, I think after tonight, we deserve a little privacy."

Amy smiled, "Penny forgot to ask why your shirt was on inside out."

Sheldon bit his bottom lip and winked at Amy, "Yes, she did, didn't she?" Sheldon held out his hand, "Now, let's go before the scandalmongers hear something else."

As they walked back to the bedroom, Sheldon smiled and asked, "So, Dr. Fowler, lions huh?"

Amy said with a smug, documentary tone, "Yes… At least three times a week. Every fifteen minutes. Amazing, don't you think?"

Sheldon gripped her by the waist as soon as they reached the bedroom door and pulled her close, "Is that why you call me Mufasa?"

Amy shivered, "Ooh… say it again!"

Sheldon growled into her neck as unsnapped her bra in 2 seconds and kicked the bedroom door closed his foot, "Roar indeed, Amy."

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><p><strong>AN: That's it folks! I hope you enjoyed it. Most of you guess the golf thing. I got the brownie idea from my story Intimacy Collaboration (Shameless plug) I had a few good guesses about the Hacky Sack thing as well. I think the oven cleaner tripped you up a little. I would love know what you think. Fun? Silly? Want to kill Wil Wheaton? I know I do! **

**It was a blast to write. Anyway, I could ask for reviews for the last chapter? I know I am a review whore. (PS all authors are!) **


	10. Chapter 10

**Behind the scenes: Hearsay Evidence (rated M)**

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><p><strong>There is a reference to a scene from Tonight's episode, January 8th. Spoiler alert. <strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Behind the scenes with Leslie and some Alex thrown in too<strong>:

Leslie screamed at Amy, "_Well, screw you and your dumbass boyfriend! I hope you're very happy together." _

Sheldon could barely contain his glee, "Oh you cunning little vixen. You eviscerated her!"

Amy giggled like a school girl when he pulled her into his arms. Sheldon nuzzled into her neck and nibbled on her ear lobe as he halfheartedly scolded her, "You come in here with your temping green eyes, with that beguiling colored sweater, dispatch my rival with your rapier wit all while referencing grammar rules? Are you trying to drive me wild, woman?!"

Amy wormed her way from his arms, "Well, Sheldon, it's your fault looking like a stallion in that suit." She licked her lips and brushed her hand up his shirt to his neck tie. She grabbed it and pulled him close to her lips, "If you didn't have to get to a meeting with the board in 10 minutes, I would throw you on that tidy desk of yours and use this tie as handle while I rode the Texan outta ya." Amy sniffed him like a flower and let him go. "But alas, no time."

"AMY! You can't say stuff like that in here! Now I can think of anything else when I'm at desk." Sheldon looked to his desk and loosened his tie slightly. Amy re-tightened it and tapped him gently on the cheek.

"Don't worry, I'll make it up to you. For date night, I'll bring Strunk and White's Elements of style. I'll read you a passage on the subjunctive clause."

Sheldon snorted and looked away with a pout, "Well, that doesn't even…"

Amy smirked and said flatly, "While I'm naked on top of you eating a banana the PROPER way."

Sheldon stood up and brushed off his suit, "Okay! Here's dangling participles!"

"Oh my!"

The interaction reminded her of the time she joined Sheldon in his office for lunch the week before. Amy had brought lunch for the couple including some fruit. Sheldon rolled his eyes when he saw it there was a banana.

_"God, lord, woman. It's hard enough to concentrate today without your faulty eating habits."_

_"What?"_

_"You know I hate the way you eat bananas! Why do you insist on torturing me?"_

_"FINE, if you lock the door, I will eat it normally; like a tramp, if you must know!" Amy was about to throw the banana at his head._

_"Thank you!" Sheldon locks the door as requested. The couple started their lunch, conversing about the day. Finally, Amy started to eat the banana by slowly pulling down the peel like a stripper removing her gloves. Sheldon is too busy discussing what he was working on to notice, at first. She placed her lips around the long yellow flesh and bit down gently. Sheldon watched her mouth as she licked the tip and then wrapped her bottom lip around the fruit. Amy chewed the bite and licked her lips while observing Sheldon's ever watchful eye on her mouth. Sheldon cognitive processes slowed to a crawl as she devoured the fruit, one torturous bite at a time._

_"So, you see… Amy… I was… the Proton decay as the … reaches… Oh, you're taking that much in.. Oh god lord woman, I didn't know your mouth could do that."_

_Amy finished the fruit but just for effect, she gaped her mouth open slightly and ran her middle finger back and forth over her bottom lip, "Do I have anything on my mouth, Sheldon?"_

_Sheldon shook his head blinding. "Um.. No…not… Hey, got anymore bananas?" Just as Amy was licking her fingers, Sheldon heard the door handle jingle and then a loud knock. He jumped up like a cat near a rocker, and rushed to the door, out of breath and sweating bullets._

_"Oh um, Alex.. yes.. well…what are you doing here?""_

_"I brought the data you wanted."_

_"I'll get it later… Just take the day off, I am done in for the day. Thank you." Sheldon slammed the door and locked it._

_Amy smirked at his response, "So tell me, Dr. Cooper, have you decided which is more distracting? Horizontal or vertical?"_

_"Vertical, Amy… Definitely."_

**Behind the scenes: Emily**:

"Amy, I'm not so sure about this…" Sheldon concerned glower couldn't shadow Amy's view of her adorable boyfriend seated shirtless with a towel pinned around his neck. Amy held in position her new Flobee that she ordered one night after far too much wine. She had tested the device, but the results were less than successful. Amy thought it was her long hair to blame, not the machine. She was wrong.

"Sheldon, relax. I can do this since your hair is so short already. Just sit still." Amy started the machine and Sheldon immediately started to sweat. He worried he would have to wear a crew cut like his father gave him during the dreaded, "_Let's Man up Sheldon Summer_."

Amy placed her hand on his shoulder to steady her nerves. She moved the machine to his neck, but started too low. The hose latched onto his neck and wouldn't let go. "Okay, hold on, let me try again." Amy pulled back and did a new location. Again, the same result. She tried three more times till she figured out to start with his hair. Unfortunately, Sheldon had had enough.

"Amy, you're like horde of ticks! What in the devil is going on back there?"

"I'm sorry Sheldon. Let me try again." Amy held the hose but the attachment broke off and scratched his back. He let out a yelp and tried to jump away but the hose directly hit Sheldon tender neck. Sheldon winched in pain and tried to pull off the hose while Amy chased it around his hands. Finally, they got it off.

Sheldon was breathless, "Amy! What in the devil?"

"Oh Sheldon, it's a piece of crap. I'm sorry. I never should have ordered it. It only use is causing aggravation and annoyance."

"Yeah, we have Howard for that." Sheldon smiled at his own joke. Amy smiled too, but she was too embarrassed by her blunder of a purchase.

Sheldon held her hands, "Well, it sounds like I'm going to have to go back to barber Penny after all."

Amy's lips pursed up, "I don't want her making you like sex on a stick again."

Sheldon brushed her worries off, and stood up to put on his shirt, "My appeal goes way beyond my hair, Amy. Hey, maybe I could use this machine to keep my groupies away." Sheldon laughed but Amy was not amused. She turned her back to him and started to make tea little to eagerly. Sheldon knew she was upset. Her head was at an angle 10 degrees lower than a normal Amy hunch. He walked up behind her and placed his hand on her shoulder. Amy turned around, and Sheldon saw her eyes were watery.

"Amy what is it? I'll get a haircut! Don't worry, I won't start the bongos again."

"No, Sheldon. It's just… Ever since we became intimate… I've been worried that you will… you know…"

"What Amy? Haven't I've been doing it right. I mean we only been trying since New Years, but I did a lot of research. I mean, that blasted book from Leonard was useless. It didn't tell me about that thing you do with your muscles down there. A little warning next time would be nice! That was an eye opener…"

Amy giggled, "No, no Sheldon. Everything is perfect that way. No complaints. Like at all. Like none.."

"Then what is it?"

Amy brows furled in worry and she lowered her tone to a hush, "Well, sometimes in a bout of low self-confidence, I just worry that now you've opened yourself up to a sexual relationship, you will use your new found prowess in bed to you know… play the field so to speak. Like I was only spring training for you, or something."

Sheldon laughed, "Ha! Not to over use the metaphor, but you're not spring training, Amy. You're the Super Bowl. Amy let's just be honest, if it wasn't for you, I would never do anything like that. We are physically close because I love you and I want only you. If you weren't in the picture, it would never happen. _Like at all. Like none_…" Sheldon smiled when he repeated her words back to her. Amy felt a wave of relief instantly.

"Thank you Sheldon. I feel a lot better." Amy grinned, but Sheldon was sure to check the angle. He let out a relieved sigh when he saw she was back to normal.

Sheldon went back to pick up the machine, "Well, let's see if this thing is good for anything else." Sheldon turned on the machine and grew a devilish leer, "I wonder if it can help me take off all those the layers of clothes you insist on wearing indoors. I bet I can get through the first two before you leave the kitchen."

Amy let out a squeal and ran toward the other side of the kitchen, but Sheldon blocked the only exit. Amy was trapped, just how she liked to be when she was hunted by Sheldon.

She remembered that New Year's Eve when everything started. Sheldon seemed nervous all night and his constant swallowing and licking his lips was driving Amy batty. Right before the count down, Leonard opened a bottle of champagne for everyone. Sheldon screamed in pain like he was hit with the cork and asked Amy to tend to his life threatening injury. Penny called him a big baby, but Amy still slumped down and drudged off with him to the bathroom. She didn't want to miss her countdown or her New Year's Eve kiss, but the boo's and ouchie clause of the agreement was in full effect. As soon as Sheldon and Amy entered the bath, Sheldon locked the door.

"Okay, Sheldon let's look at _this so called life threatening injury of yours. I think you are over… Oof!"_

_He pushed Amy against the wall of the bath and trapped her between his arms. "I take it then, you are not injured, Sheldon?"_

_"Please… that cork was nowhere near me. I think I know the angle of trajectory of simple parabolic curve. Speaking of curves…" Sheldon ran his hands up the sides of her waist slowly like he was molding clay. All the while, his darken pupils, elevated heart rate and low breathy growl signaled she was seeing a new side of Sheldon Cooper, and she liked it. He had been drastically more affectionate since Christmas and Amy hoped it wasn't just the egg nog talking._

_After Christmas, Sheldon offed a new proposal named operation Whoopie. It was a schedule for growing intimacy over the next year culminating in coitus for next New Years. Amy signed up, no questions asked. She couldn't believe Sheldon was willing to try so she was thrilled. Secrecy was the cornerstone of the agreement._

_"Amy Farrah Fowler. You've been driving me crazy all night with your hair clip askew and your hands on your knees, tempting me to touch them. You licked your lips no less than 8 times tonight and don't think I didn't notice you watching my mouth all night, begging me to kiss you."_

_"Oh, I'm sorry… I think…" Sheldon pressed his chest against hers and held her head with his hands, "I'm not sorry.. not in the least..."_

_"I been thinking about our new agreement, Amy, and I was thinking we might need to adjust the time line given your tempting habits."_

_"I see, yes, I think that is a good idea, because what you are doing now to my chest was not scheduled till after Labor day." She could feel his hands move up her chest and lightly squeeze her breath. His hot breath on her cheek warmed more than her face._

_He couldn't face her when he asked. He moved his mouth to her ear and breathed out his confession. "I been wanting to ask this Prom, but couldn't do it. Stay the night with me, Amy. Leonard will no doubt have gone home drunk with Penny in a few minutes. We will have the apartment to ourselves. "_

_Amy was feeling what he meant on her thigh. She used Sheldon's arms to brace herself up, "I would love to stay with you, Sheldon." The couple heard the countdown start, however, they couldn't hear it end through their mutual moans from their heated kiss._

_The couple would have stayed in forever, were it not for Penny's banging on the bathroom door, "Sheldon Cooper, you big baby. Get out here and give your girlfriend a kiss for New Years!"_

_After they broke apart, Amy and Sheldon left the bathroom but only after Sheldon put on a band-aid and sprayed the room with Bactine. He thought his ruse was very cleaver, but he had to see if Amy would fold under Penny's scrutiny. But Amy was a stone. She said nothing to her friends about what Sheldon said. After everyone left, Amy and Sheldon went to the bedroom and had their first night together._

That night started it all. The couple was timid as they laid next to each other exploring each other and stripping off clothes at a snail's pace. Sheldon was so nervous, he almost backed out. That was until he saw Amy naked, and his schedule went out the window. Sex the first few times were awkward at best. , but Sheldon more than made up for everything with eagerness and determination to get it right, no matter how many times he had to do it. Repetition was definitely Sheldon best quality. The couple spent most date nights indoors with take-out that was often ignored in favor of other activities. Sheldon wanted to keep their doings secret, and Amy agreed. As much as the girl's teased her about Sheldon's lack of interest, she never said a word. Amy found keeping the secret was almost as exciting as the prospect of sex itself. Almost. Not quite.

None of the timid hesitation was at play that night they tried the Flobee. After Sheldon trapped her against the counter, he playfully pulled at her clothes with the device. Amy cute squeals were nice, but Sheldon didn't just want to tease her. His demeanor changed and he turned off the machine. Amy always felt weak when Sheldon would give her a look that made her feel like the most desered woman in the universe. Sheldon always started with Amy's hips before he pulled her into a steamy kiss that heated up to 373 Kelvin. As spontaneous as they had become, having sex in the kitchen was still not on the menu for the novice couple. Sheldon led Amy to bedroom and within minutes, they were naked tangled together like vines.

Sheldon was a conscious lover and no matter how many times he had touched Amy, his favorite activity was to find the softest spot her body. Love making could take hours with Sheldon Cooper, but Amy was no rush. He fascinated with texture changes of her breast, in awe of her skin's color changes as she reached orgasm. When Sheldon finally merged with Amy, every thrust and pulse was met with a slow kiss. When the their heated coiled bodies finally pulled apart after release, Sheldon always pulled Amy on his chest for a few brief moments before he showered.

"Amy, I am so glad you and I discovered this together. I can't fathom feeling that sensation and not opening my eyes to see your face."

"Nor can I Sheldon."

"Even with Zack?" Sheldon insecurities were came through that night as well.

"Nope. I think I saw him more like the electrodes in my brain, rather than the person I wanted to give my virginity to. When I saw his dumb face, I knew better. I knew I wanted it to be special. I am so glad I waited, and when I feel that ultimate release, I only see you."

'Well, hopefully, we won't see Zack anytime soon. I don't think I would like seeing him near you again."

"I seriously doubt we will, don't worry, Sheldon."

**Zack**:

Amy had almost had it with her stubborn boyfriend. He had been droning on for 20 minutes how since he is not going to the bridal shower, he is not required to buy anything. She had to listen to his moans on gift giving customs and why could they just go to Planned Parenthood like he wanted to do.

Amy let out an exasperated sigh, "Look Sheldon, I'll make you a deal. I will go with you to Planned Parenthood next week, if you go with me to mall to the lingerie store. Penny wants something sexy for her first night as Leonard's wife and present buying is non optional social convention for a wedding." Amy didn't want to bring up the fact they still need to buy a wedding gift as well, and a groomsman's gift for Leonard. Baby steps, she figured.

"I don't see why she wants to wear ANYTHING on the wedding night. I mean, he's seen everything on and off of her. No reason to dress up the cow when you're already eating the ice cream."

"Um, Sheldon, I can't stress this enough, never say that to Penny."

"Fine, but isn't the idea just to consummate the marriage? Well, that ship as sailed from the port long ago! A useless state sanctioned document and an expensive party isn't going to change anything, other than their tax status. Hey, maybe we can go to HR Block after Planned Parenthood!"

"NO!"

The couple finally made it to the lingerie store. Sheldon was not pleased to be surrounded by ladies unmentionables and was nervous as a whore in church. Amy, on the other hand, was thrilled. She thought she might be able to find out what kind of lingerie Sheldon liked, and surprise him for Valentine's day. Amy walked over to the garter belts and showed Sheldon how they worked. Truth was, Amy was just as clueless as Sheldon when he came to the garment.

"Well, I think it would be hard to this darn fool contraption open. Reminds me of my sister's nursing bra. My nephew would starve before she got that thing open… You better practice with those things before you have to wear them, Amy. " Amy could not believe her ears. She just stood there, confused at his passing comment. Just as Sheldon was about to go into a tirade on the benefits of nursing bras, Sheldon saw a familiar hulky figure walk toward them. It was Penny's ex Zack but more importantly, it was the first man Amy ever showed a sexual attraction towards and Sheldon was not pleased. He shifted in front of Amy to guide his lustful gaze of his woman. Amy touched his arm and smiled at him. She whispered, "I only see you." Sheldon finally relaxed as Zack droned on blissfully unaware.

The encounter went well at first. Sheldon and Amy were informed about various articles of clothing, and Sheldon thought it was quite informative. Everything was going well till Sheldon showed off his agile fingers and popped Amy's bra opened. Sheldon couldn't wait to try the technique later, but Amy was enraged. He was worried he would receive another strike like he did when he finally confessed to Amy his deceit to Kripke. He was cut off from touching her for a week and had to be subjected to a seething oral discord at his Amy Class. It was the worst week of his life.

"Sheldon Cooper, I swear to god, I can't believe you did that! Oh my god, you are such.. Why would you think that would be okay? Should I pull down your pants in the store? Don't answer that, you probably like it! This is the definition of a misogyny, you bastard! UGH!"

"But Amy, I need the practice! You know…" Sheldon looked at her chest again and swallowed.

Amy remembered his comment on nursing bra and the implication, "Okay Sheldon, we will talk about it later." She was blushing. It was the first time he had ever indicated he would want to have a child with her, or she was confused. Either case could be true, but talking about it in front of Zack was not appropriate.

"I look forward to yet another oral discord from you." Sheldon tried to force a smile, but Amy softened and said seductively, "I think you will find my oral arguments will be less… scathing this time."

Sheldon looked her over and blushed. He lightly tapped Amy on the top of her hip. She blushed again and ran off to pick out a few things.

Sheldon watched her the whole time Zack stood there elbowing him about oral this or something; Sheldon wasn't listening. Amy returned with a large number of items and gave Sheldon a disciplinary look.

"Forgive my behavior, Amy. My mother would ask for a refund on my cotillion training if she knew. "Sheldon hung his head, but his big blue eyes floated up begging forgiveness.

"Well, to make it up to me, guess who is buying all this stuff?"

"As you wish." Sheldon went to the counter to pay for the heap. Thankfully, Sheldon thought, Zack left before he made any more remarks in front of Amy. Amy asked the clerk to put some of the purchases in a separate bag. Sheldon was confused, "Why a separate bag?"

"Oh, some of this is for us."

Sheldon stopped before he ran his credit card, "AMY! We don't need any of this stuff."

Amy bent her head to Sheldon and whispered, "I want to look more appealing for you."

Sheldon swallowed and whispered to her, "Amy, that a physical impossibility. The best thing you wear to bed is a smile."

"Sheldon, you are just getting out of paying for things."

"Amy, even if you bought all this stuff, I would never want to see you in anything other than your own skin. Your purple sweater does more than this whole pile. Just wear that to bed, and I'll do anything you want." Sheldon opened his eyes slightly wider for emphasis.

Amy melted and told the waiting clerk, "We just need these few things, thank you." She smiled at Sheldon as she put all the rest of the items back.

**Mrs. Wolowitz:**

After the lingerie store, Amy had promised Sheldon she would take him to Planned Parenthood to pick up pamphlets. He wanted to make gifts bags for the bridal Shower with samples of pills, pamphlets and condoms. To top it off, he wanted to show how to properly apply a condom and if none of his sage advice took, finally ended on a demonstration of the quickest way to unfasten a nursing bra.

Amy tried to talk him out of it, but he was adamant. They walked into Planned Parenthood and were met by a nice middle age lady with a kind voice.

"Can I help you?"

Amy seemed very nervous, but the lady was used to anxious women coming through the door, "What are you here for, honey. We can help."

Sheldon answered smugly, "Bridal shower gifts."

Amy rolled her eyes and shook her head at the confused lady, "He just needs pamphlets and samples. Thank you for your patience."

A little while later the couple left the clinic. Amy was still arguing about the gift, "Sheldon, I usually I don't balk at your attempt to educate Penny, but if she wanted to know, she can find out herself, or ask me! Penny is going to hate this."

"Nonsense! They need to make sure I am not an uncle too soon. I've had to listen to their pre-marital coitus for years. Finally, she can listen to me. Planning ahead is the best part of pre-marital coitus."

Just then, the couple ran into Stuart and Mrs. Wolowitz. Sheldon was usually not too upset about Stuart, but he also never tried to get handsy with his women. After some pleasantries were exchanged, and a recipe for Rugala, they left.

Amy smiled, "Mrs Wolowitz is very sweet."

"Yes, but I doubt your recipe will go over. I mean what's the point of baking if you don't use butter? Yuck."

"Sheldon you can make delicious baked goods without animal products or use very little."

"Nothing is better than my brownies, which take a least a pound of butter. "

"I can make a brownie with half that, and it would taste better."

"HA! I'd like to see you try!"

"What, are you challenging me, Sheldon? You want to take me on? Challenge accepted!"

"It's on, sweetheart. Prepare to weep at the glory of my baking genius. Winner decides what we do for the rest of the evening. And how we do it." Sheldon devious leer wasn't lost on Amy. The baking contest could come soon enough.

Too be continued…

**A/N:**

**I hope you are getting what you want from these behind the scenes. More to come. We still don't know about the Mrs. Cooper Skype call, what Penny and Bernie didn't see nor what was going on AFTER that call Wil Wheaton heard. **

**I wanted to give some background why Shamy was intimate and how the gang didn't know. I hope I explained it. This is not a SHamy first time story. More like a Shamy 50****th**** time story. I hope you were okay I glossed over that detail. **


	11. Chapter 11

**Continuation**** of Behind the scenes Mary Cooper, Mrs. Davis and Bert:**

Unexpectedly, Sheldon announced at lunch that he was cancelling Vintage Game on Friday and everyone needs to find someplace to go and something else to do. He also made it quite clear he was not the social coordinator for the group, but he knew they would be lost without his guidance and wisdom.

It was unusual for Sheldon to cancel a game night and even more peculiar that he gave such short notice. Howard teased Sheldon that he wanted some alone time with his "mistress". Sheldon eyes popped wide as saucers, but he said nothing.

Howard said, "Your mistress is science, Sheldon. Good thing you and Amy have the same one, or she would be jealous." Sheldon let out a sigh.

Howard slumped down and finished his lunch, " I was going to cancel anyway. My mother wants to have me and Bernie over for dinner." Howard droned on how Bernadette couldn't go because of work. Leonard said Penny was busy with work too. Leonard was happy about the canceling of vintage game night, though. He wanted some time to himself and then later, to be alone with Penny. It was his one night a week to stay at her apartment. Leonard was delighted that lately, Sheldon stopped sleeping on the couch during those nights.

Sheldon said nothing of his plans until Raj whined that he had nothing to do on Friday now.

"Emily is working, AGAIN. I was counting on Friday night. What are you doing, Sheldon? Can I join you?"

"No, Amy and I have plans that cannot involve another person."

The whole group looked Sheldon like he just spoke Navajo. He simply answered, "We are having a contest and soon that woman will realize I am right!" Raj gave up. No one liked being involved in Sheldon and Amy's contests. Sheldon spent the rest of the lunch touting the benefits of butter, the history of butter and various facts about the dairy industry that made those at the table who weren't lactose intolerant bloated and gassy.

That Friday, Sheldon was speaking to his mother on the Skype before the contest, "I can't talk long, mom, Amy is coming over."

"How's it going with your little friend, Shelly?"

"Very well as a matter of fact. Although, she bought this hideous purse that gives me convolutions. I mean how many different types of fabric can they use on one handbag? Looks like the Frankenstein worked at the Coach Factory. Oh, Amy and I have started to… Hold on.. Oh, Speak of the devil, there she is. Got to go mom!"

"Shelly wait! You're doing what?"

Sheldon had just ended his Skype with his mother when Amy arrived; or so he thought. Amy was a big distraction when she came in because she was wearing her alluring purple sweater that Sheldon seemed to love. "I don't want you to get it dirty, Amy. Just take it off!"

"It never gets dirty when I do it Sheldon!"

Sheldon snapped at her, "I don't want to take any chances! OFF!"

Amy knew better than to argue when Sheldon was in this kind of mood: Competitive and bossy. She found it sexy, but she was ready to battle. She also had her new outfit for hacky sack, and couldn't wait to try it out. Sheldon had opened up to her about his secret activity. Last week, after a night of torrid love making on date night, Amy asked Sheldon how could it possibility be that someone who eats sweets like toddler at the county fair have such a svelte figure. Sheldon asked her with a very serious tone if she could keep a secret.

"Of course I can, Sheldon, what is it? Do you lift weights behind Leonard's back, because your arms are just… mmm… "

"Amy, quite ogling my arms like I'm a piece of meat!" He pulled his arms away to protest, but Amy noticed he flexed them one more time before she released him.

"Sorry. You were saying?"

"Well, I have secret passion I haven't told anyone about since my mother, and I would like to tell you."

Amy was touched to be the one person he trusted. "I won't tell a soul."

"I know you won't. You and I have been intimate for a month and I haven't heard a word from the guys. No jokes, jests or any mention of coitus. You really didn't tell anyone, did you?" Sheldon cupped her face and gave her a tender smile.

"You asked me not to, I would never go against your wishes, Sheldon. That's not what good girlfriends do. I will tell you, however, lying is not my strong suit. But I manage to avert the conversation because no one ever just comes out and asks if we are having sex."

Sheldon smiled, "Makes it easier huh?"

"Yes, now you are killing me with anticipation, tell me!"

Sheldon told Amy how he likes to sneak away every day at 3:15 to the basement of Cal-Tech and try and beat his record of 43 times on hacky sack. She asked Sheldon to show her what it was, and before long, the couple was hitting the sack back and forth between them. Doing the activity in only their underwear increased the excitement of the game, but only a little. Amy was hooked.

She snuck away from her lab at the same time every day to meet Sheldon. She was careful not to run into anyone, but prying eyes were everywhere. At first, she would accidently kick Sheldon or herself. Sheldon was smart enough to bring a box of band aids next time, but his run in with Mrs. Davis and Bert almost revealed the secret. Sheldon hid his box of bandages in his jacket and brushed past the dirt worshiper before he could ask any annoying questions.

Mrs. Davis was a different matter. Amy had brought Sheldon some sweat pants to wear and he changed in the room. Amy said he could get a better angle if he didn't have the constraints of his trousers. Sheldon agreed and that day he was able to get to 45 times. Unfortunately, just as he was leaving the room, Mrs. Davis came around the corner. He explained to the HR rep honestly that he was exercising, but she didn't seem to believe him. He couldn't fathom what she could think he was doing at work, so he brushed off her scrutiny.

Back at brownie night, the couple's dueling baking skills were put to the test. Amy was dying to taste Sheldon's batter. After she made a slight mess on the counter, he made her work for it and told her to swallow all the batter off the spoon to see how much she could fit in her mouth at one time. After some argument over how long to cook the brownies, the couple turned off the oven, and let the brownies set up. They were ready to practice hacky sack.

Amy was nervous to change into her hacky sack outfit in the living room, but Sheldon had locked the door and brushed off her concerns. Sheldon had set up the camera so he could analyze their technique. They had recorded some of their contests from the past, and it had been helpful to prove to Sheldon that he lost.

Amy was doing well with the game at first, till she hit Sheldon's leg again. He cried out in pain, but Amy rubbed his leg and the pain was gone. Amy got a higher number than Sheldon that night. He was thrilled she took to the game so well, but also excited that he could share his secret with someone. The fact that Amy never questioned about the secret made him love her more. After he kissed her and told her he loved her, he heard his laptop make a sound like a Skype call ended. He ignored it and kissed Amy one more time before he checked the camera.

"I can't wait to review that tape Sheldon. That was the best set I've had yet." Amy was smiling till she saw Sheldon's face drop with horror.

"Um…"

"Don't tell me.."

"I'm sorry,"

"You've got to be kidding me? You didn't hit record?!" Amy was enraged.

"I said I'm sorry!"

"It was my best time!"

"How many times can I say I'm sorry?"

"Try 53, one for every time I hit that damn thing. Ugh!" Amy turned her back from Sheldon to hide her smirk. She knew the irony of her statement given the Fourth of July recording of Fun with Flags, but she wanted Sheldon to stew a little more. He came up behind her and kissed her neck.

"Sorry, sorry… sorry.. sorry… sorry…Sorry…." With every sorry, he kissed her longer. By the time he reached 25 sorrys, the couple was naked in Sheldon's room except for a purple sweater that just happened to find its way with the lovers.

"Amy you promised to wear this sweater if I won the brownie contest."

"But you didn't win because we didn't eat the brownies yet! Besides, its obvious I did. SO you wear it!"

Sheldon looked at her like she was crazy, "Ah… no…. and let's say we both won…for now," Sheldon kissed her tender skin on her clavicle, and told her, "On second thought, I just want you Amy, no sweater. Told you didn't need lingerie."

"A purple sweater is not lingerie."

"Well, it worked getting my pants off, so I disagree. Now come here." Amy was straddling Sheldon with her legs wrapped around his waist. Her glasses were atop her head, but forgotten. She clung to Sheldon by holding his shoulder with one hand and his face with the other. Each tilt and thrust into each other was matched with a muffled moan. Sheldon always knew when Amy was close to climax in this position because her arched her back and dug into Sheldon's shoulders to steady herself. Sheldon loved the postion because he could watch her move and see her eyes. He also could feel her back, butt and hips, his favorite parts of her. He held onto her small waist and used her hips as leverage as his pace sped up. Within minutes, Amy collapsed on Sheldon's chest, exhausted, breathless and completely happy.

"Maybe… MUFASA… it's **this** exercise that is really causing you to burn calories."

"Well, then let's get some brownies and burn off some more!" Sheldon popped off the bed and Amy noticed she had left scratch marks on Sheldon's shoulders.

"Oh my, I was rather rough with you. You have marks on your shoulders and those Flobee marks are dark as well."

Sheldon grunted and told Amy, "Well, Emily says and I a quote, "don't be ridiculous Sheldon, there is nothing to worry about." That will on my tombstone, I know it. I think I need a second opinion."

Sheldon and Amy took their customary shower and headed to the kitchen. After much debate, the conclusion was clear. Sheldon and his butter drenched brownies were his favorite, even though Amy said they were burned. Amy were pretty good, Sheldon had to admit. The Winner: Sheldon on taste, Amy on baking. Next time they were going to use Sheldon's recipe and Amy's technique. Sheldon pointed out that he had, yet again, compromised.

The next morning Sheldon and Amy were drinking tea and having breakfast discussing the best way to clean an oven since the brownies made a mess.

"After our activities of last night, I think I will be spending my night doing laundry between cleaning the oven. You know, the best way is with an electric toothbrush and oven cleaner..."

"You have an electric oven, Sheldon. You shouldn't use oven cleaner. Chef Gerard says…"

"Chef Gerry can stuff it. I don't care what any chef says, do I tell him how to cook? No." Just as Sheldon was about to go into to a rant about Chefs and ovens, Leonard came home from Penny's.

"Wow Amy, you are here early! Oh that's right, your car. How did it get that dent anyway?"

Amy sipped her tea and narrowed her eyes at Sheldon. She was happy at first that Leonard assumed she just came over and didn't spend the night. Leonard was too busy checking his email and stealing Amy's special Sheldon pancakes to notice she was wearing the same clothes as yesterday. Luckily, Penny was still asleep because she would categorically noticed Amy's clothes.

"Well, let's just say, someone is still learning which pedal is which, right Sheldon?"

Sheldon said nothing, other than to smack Leonard hand away from the stack of pancakes and glower at Amy.

**Bernadette's behind the scenes**

Bernadette and Howard agreed to take Amy on errands. Sheldon tagged along for hopes of a trip to comic book store, but Howard admitted AFTER he got in the car that his allowance was cut and he no funds for comics. Sheldon was stuck schlepping around with Bernadette and Howard after they dropped off Amy car. The visit to Howard's mother was only supposed to take a moment, but it turned into an exercise in patience.

"Should we go in? I feel silly sitting out here."

Sheldon shook his head, "It's like that Hotel California song. You can check in, but you can never leave. I've been burned before. We best stay out here."

Amy looked over Howard's car and noticed it was a standard, "Hey I got an idea. Follow me to the front seat. I want to show you something." Amy jumped in the front and waited for Sheldon. At least Amy wasn't asking him in the back to show him some band-aid clad thighs again.

"Okay, color me intrigued. What is it Amy?"

"Okay, look here. Howard has a standard transmission. There are three pedals. Do you see them? The first on is the clutch, next is brake then gas. In order to engage the gear, you must press in the clutch, and shift…" Amy got cut off by Sheldon's fussing.

"Amy, I can't see the petals. We are going to get in trouble. Howard doesn't like it when people are in the front seat."

"Yeah, when they're naked, Sheldon! Now look…" Amy hiked up her skirt so Sheldon could see her legs move, but he was still too nervous.

"Amy, let's get out of here, please? If Bernie catches us, it will be worse than Howard!"

"Fine… But don't blame me the next time you get confused with the pedals. By the way, my car repair is 357.00. I'll take a check."

"Good thing we didn't buy that lingerie, huh? Now I have the money for it! So, silver lining." Sheldon gave Amy a koala smile, but it didn't work.

Amy wasn't amused, "Shiny. Now get out, I'll show you out side."

"Amy how can you.."

"Just get out!" Amy reached across the door to let him out, but her sleeve got caught on the handle and she ripped it. She then got her sweater caught on the stick shift and it pulled open. "OH man"

"This thing is a death trap! Let's get out of here!"

Sheldon and Amy narrowly escaped Howard's car just as the couple made their own escape from Howard's mother. They had a bag of rugula for their troubles and the long wait. Sheldon ate all of them before they left the parking spot. Amy smiled noting he liked the recipe.

**Wil Wheaton and Penny Behind the scenes**

Wil Wheaton only heard one side of the conversation that night Sheldon went to the comic store. Here is the recap:

"_Good. I am glad you're finally listening to me. Now get on your knees. I know, its dirty, but it's the best angle. Reach down and rub around. Do it slowly, spread you fingers everywhere. Good. Can you feel it all wet? Good. Now, get your toothbrush. Yes, you should turn it on! Now make little circles. Especially around that one nub at the top. Good, I can hear you. Reach back, feel it burn off. Oh Amy, you're hurting my ears with your moaning and yelling. Was it a big one? As big as the one I had last week? Did you get it off? Good. See that's how you do it. I'll show you again in person. Next time we do it, Amy, I want to see you on your knees begging for me to teach you! Tell Gerard he's fired. Okay, glad I could help. Bye_."

Here is what Amy said on the other line:

"_Sheldon, I hate to even ask this, but what were you saying about the oven cleaner? Yes, I made a mess with my new brownie recipe and it splattered all over. I have the gloves you got me, oven cleaner and an electric toothbrush. Oh man, I don't want to get dirty Sheldon…. Fine, I sprayed the oven cleaner and let it set for a while. With my hands? Okay, I am spreading it around. Should I use the toothbrush now? Okay, oh what a mess! Oh, yeah, that got the worst it. It think that is little nub is the connection….OUCH, Damnit…. Oh man! Sorry, Sheldon, but a lot of oven cleaner just landed on my arm! Yes it was a huge splat of it. Yuck. Yeah, it looks like your burn… Oh man… Between this and Flobee… Ugh! Yeah I got it off. Okay I am done with this. I don't beg for anything, Sheldon.. Well, some things… Okay, no more French Chefs. Thanks, I'll pick you up from the comic book store in 45 minutes. Bye._

After Amy picked up Sheldon, the couple went back to Amy's to enjoy their night together. Once the dinner was done, and the dishes needed to be cleaned, Amy rolled up her sleeves. Sheldon noticed her arm right away, "Oh Amy, you weren't kidding. Let me look at that." Sheldon patched Amy up with an antibacterial ointment, some bandages and a few kisses. The nurturing kiss turned into a longer one, that morphed into a heated French kiss. Before long, as with most date nights. Sheldon and Amy were in bed together.

Given Amy's injuries, Sheldon was especially tender with her and most of their evening was spent in bed kissing each other between conversations. Sheldon's only regret was having to leave.

"You know, Amy. I am thinking of asking Leonard to increase the nights he stays at Penny's. He needs to break his hold with me. You know, wean him off of my brilliance a little at a time or I'll never get rid of him."

Amy smirked at Sheldon. She knew deflection when she saw it, and Sheldon was a master. Still, he was more interested in having the apartment to himself, so he might be building up to be being alone or having Amy move in. She would never ask, she learned her lesson. She was delighted though to hear Sheldon say he wanted to increase the nights. It meant more time with Sheldon, but it also meant it would be more difficult to keep the secret. "Sheldon, you are aware that sooner or later, Leonard will find out we are intimate. I mean, I can't believe he didn't notice I was wearing the same clothes!"

"If he knew about us, it would be easier for you to stay the night. And I could stay with you." Sheldon thought for a moment, "Amy, do you want me to tell them? I mean they will know sooner or later."

"Not necessarily. I've been doing pretty well avoiding the issue. Best part is they think we NEVER will."

Sheldon bit his lip and rubbed Amy stomach in a circle, "Well, if something happened. It would be hard to hide."

Amy understood he was worried about getting her pregnant. She shook her head, "Sheldon, nothing is going to happen. I am very careful with my pills, you use condoms."

"Some of the time."

"Most of the time."

"Accidents happen."

"Well, only if we let it. And we won't." Amy was trying to make Sheldon feel better. She took great care concerning birth control. She figured if Sheldon freaked out over a table, what would he do with a baby?

Sheldon however was speaking from a different premise, "Ever?"

Amy sat up and grabbed Sheldon's hand from her stomach, "Sheldon, what are you saying?"

Sheldon just looked at Amy with a strange far away stare that she couldn't recognize, "I'm just saying, we have to be prepared." Sheldon knew it was too early to discuss what he was thinking, but the idea of little benign overlords was never far from his thoughts lately. He quickly changed the subject, "And that means we should prepare in case the group finds out about us as well. Maybe we should tell them."

"Sheldon, I will leave it up to you. I will keep this secret as long as I am able. I have a feeling that our friends will suspect something, and I wouldn't be surprised if they confront us at some point.

The idea of confrontation made Sheldon less likely to want to tell the nosy nellies, "Well, it's none of their business what we do."

"Agreed. If we have some kind of inquisition, then I don't know how I will react. Probably want to hit someone. But I don't think they would do that. They know we are private people. I expect a few hints and couple vague suspensions, but not the third degree."

"Oh Amy, you sweet innocent fool. If these folks got wind we were doing ANYTHING, they would be like sharks near blood. Especially Penny."

Amy snuggled onto Sheldon's chest, "Oh dear. I bet your right."

"When am I not?"

After the couple finished their date, Amy drove Sheldon home. For some reason, Leonard was up waiting for him.

"Hey, buddy, you're back. Did you enjoy your date?"

"I always enjoy my date with Amy, you know that." Sheldon took off his coat and tried to make his way to bed. He was exhausted.

Leonard was unusually interested, "So, whaddya do?

"Well, I played doctor."

Leonard spit out his drink, "I'm sorry, really? What?"

"Amy hurt her arm cleaning the oven. I had to doctor her up. Better than Emily I might add. Maybe I should have gone to medical school. Then I could be a doctor and a doctor. I have a wonderful bed side manner."

Leonard spit out his next drink, "Really, Sheldon?"

Sheldon was too tired to argue with Leonard and not interested in seeing him spit anymore. "Really. Now good night."

The next weekend was another date night slumber party for Sheldon and Amy. However, this time, Amy needed to learn a new skill: Golf. Sheldon was so excited, he made a special trip to Amy's that week just to take her measurements to tailor for her the perfect pair of golf pants. He found a fetching plaid that had the right amount of vertical to horizontal lines. When Amy saw the fabric, she couldn't say a word except, Wow.

The measuring for the golf pants was more exciting than any game and certainly more thrilling than the pants themselves. Sheldon promised to show Amy the basics of golf that weekend. Saturday was the date however, the night almost didn't happen. Sheldon was supposed to go to a movie with the guys and Amy expected Penny to ask her for a girl's night. Sheldon bowed out of the movie easily the night before.

_Hey Sheldon, don't forget we have that movie tomorrow night._

"_Ugh, count me out. I will see the DVD. I promised Amy I would show her something tomorrow. Oh, can you help in the storage unit tomorrow morning. I need to get something."_

Getting alone time with Amy was becoming easier every day. That Saturday, Penny was also nowhere to be found and luckily, the first part of the evening, they were left alone.

Sheldon made Amy try on her golf pants so he could finish tailoring them. The feeling of Sheldon's hot breath on her stomach as he knelt before her coupled with his strong hands running up her inner thigh was too much Amy to bear. She pushed Sheldon on the couch, pulled off his shirts and kissed a trail down to his belt. Sheldon was not in control of his vixen and he decided he liked it. Her blazing green eyes told him he better shut up and do what he was told. All he could say was, "Yes ma'am."

Amy knew sex on the couch was out and who knew when Penny would show up. Amy was in the mood to tease Sheldon. "Tell you what. I want you to teach me golf shirtless because I can't get enough of your muscles flexing. If you're a pleasant instructor, I will reward you. But you have to be nice!" Amy kissed Sheldon again down to his belt, then looked up at him and licked her lips. She had the same devious leer when she was eating the banana.

Sheldon's eyes lit up and he pushed Amy off his lap. "Deal! Let's get started!" Sheldon set everything up and then noticed Amy was taking off her pants.

"AMY! You have to wear the pants, or you'll never get used to them when it comes time for real game."

Amy slumped her shoulders, "Okay, Sheldon, but I don't want anyone to see me in pants!"

"Oh, don't worry, it's just us for now! I still need to take in the waist. Now hurry up! I want to finish this up quick." Sheldon was pulling Amy toward the middle of the room but she just crossed her arms.

"Sheldon! Not too quick, I don't want to miss anything!"

"Oh, you'll get it fast. Come on over here." Sheldon was a little too eager to finish the lesson. "Oh man, I should have washed my balls first."

"Their fine, Sheldon. I won't hit them anyway."

"Okay, you're right. Watch what I do.." Sheldon was about as nice a Marine Corp drill Sargent. He gave Amy little instruction and then criticized her. He kept on telling her to aim for certain spot, but Amy couldn't imagine it. She was about to cobbler him with his crummy clubs. Amy swung the club and did the proper twist at the end of the swing, but Sheldon was unimpressed. As Sheldon showed Amy how to handle his club, his shaft and a proper swing, they were unaware they had an eavesdropper at the door. Sheldon was still shirtless when Penny knocked.

"SHELDON! Why is the door locked?!" Penny bellowed. Sheldon threw on his shirts in a frenzy. Amy quickly pulled off her golf pants, threw them behind the couch and picked up the first magazine she could find. She wasn't even reading as Penny interrogated Sheldon. Amy chastised Sheldon for being rude but she wanted to get rid of her as well. She also was not happy with Sheldon's impatient tutelage. After Penny left, Amy threw down the magazine, and crossed her arms.

"You really are the worst instructor, you know that?! How in the hell did Cal-Tech think to make you a professor?"

"What do you mean? I am thorough, well researched, knowledgeable…"

"Impatient, dismissive, rude, condescending…." Amy could go on, but Sheldon's sad face made her stop.

Sheldon scuffled over to Amy, "So… does that mean… I don't get a reward…" Sheldon licked his lips and looked at Amy tender tempting lips. Amy could never resist Sheldon when he gave her the pleading eyes.

"Okay, but get the Wii up. I really need to learn golf. You have one more chance, understand?"

"Perfectly!"

**After the confrontation behind the scenes**

_As they walked back to the bedroom, Sheldon smiled and asked, "So, Dr. Fowler, lions huh?"_

_Amy said with a smug, documentary tone, "Yes… At least three times a week. Every fifteen minutes. Amazing, don't you think?"_

_Sheldon gripped her by the waist as soon as they reached the bedroom door and pulled her close, "Is that why you call me Mufasa?"_

_Amy shivered, "Ooh… say it again!"_

_Sheldon growled into her neck as unsnapped her bra in 2 seconds and kicked the bedroom door closed his foot, "Roar indeed, Amy."_

The adrenaline rush from almost getting caught fueled one of the most passionate nights of the couples new found sexual life. Sheldon couldn't get Amy clothes off fast enough. His mouth followed his hands as he pulled and yanked Amy's clothes off her body. The smiled through their kisses and almost laughed how rushed they were to start. Once the clothes were gone and their naked bodies merged, the frenzy kisses turned tender. Sheldon caught Amy's eyes as he moved his mouth from her neck. He drew in a sharp breath and gave her a soft kiss on her bottom lip. Then another on her top lip pulling slightly while he let his tongue linger on hers. They sat up holding each other while they continued to kiss and their bodies merged together. The only thing stopping their kiss was the need for breath. They felt each part of them come together, their mouths shared a longing kiss, their bodies shared the building of tension and slow release. Their shared their love through action and anticipation of the other's unspoken needs. After their mutual climax and their heart beats returned to recognizable rhythm, Sheldon and Amy stayed together, looking at each other with their forehead touching. Sheldon was the first to speak.

"This thing between us is so special, and so new, I want it to be ours alone for a while. I don't want to talk about it, because words would belittle it. I don't want to joke about it about, because it means too much to me. I waited a long time to be with you and you were more than patient enough to wait for me. But if keeping this secret, keeps me from time with you, I don't want it anymore."

"Sheldon, we don't need to answer an amalgamation of hearsay and rumors pieced together from the misguided notion that we are here for their amusement. We should do what we want and if they want to speculate, let them. It doesn't mean we have to a party to it."

Sheldon smiled and laid down with Amy on his chest. Just as they were about to fall asleep, Sheldon heard his phone beep. It was Penny. Texting him. It read:

Penny: _I'm sorry for tonight guys. I hope you forgive us. But I have one question: Why was Sheldon's shirt on inside out._

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Okay folks. That is it! You know all! I left this story with some unresolved plot lines and hints, but that is for our Shamy hearts to envision. I hope I did the behind the scenes justice. For me, it's fun to have the mystery. This was fun too. What do you think? Was the behind the scenes worth it? Or did it take away? Did I catch all your questions? Or is there some mystery left for you?**

**A big thank you to all the reviews I got for this story. You guys have been great and I just love all the feedback. I think this is one of my favorites. I like the humor and misdirection. My favorite chapter to write was Zack.. Good times bro.**

**Thanks again! **


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